Guiding Their Way - Day by Day

Behind the wheel

2012-01-14T08:57:00.000-08:00

As I passed the local high school on my way to an appointment, I was pretty blown away by the number of cars in the school parking lot. When my sons were in high school, it had been packed! Now it is only about half full or even less. This is a significant shift in philosophy..... and probably also influenced by the economic situation. Fewer teens are driving to school, though I'm sure many are still driven there because I have been there at the "wrong" times and gotten stuck in the traffic jam in front of the school.

What a rat race we have created! And I was swept into the race as a child. Raised in San Diego, you could hardly go anywhere without wheels.... and I don't mean a bicycle. So the car became a need. I got my license when I was 16 and an old Morris Minor and used it to get to work. I guess my parents paid the insurance, because I don't remember doing that, but I paid for my gas and soon was paying my way for quite a few things (of course, everything cost much less then). And I loved the freedom.

Until a few years ago, when asked if I wanted to walk somewhere.....often I would say, "If you're driving I'll go." Today, walking is part of my regular routine. This included walking to the local grocery store or mall. And I often walk to the movies. Of course, I am very fortunate to live within a mile or so of these places. We used to dream of living out in the country, but now we are very glad to live in town. And today I recognize that this gives me another kind of freedom, Certainly I use my car just about daily because I still have commitments that take me further from home, but I drive less, and walk more.

So what messages are we giving our children about cars and driving? With fuel being burned much faster than we can produce it, what will the future look like for our children and grandchildren? What else can give us a sense of freedom? Life is a journey, and it seems to me our mode of transportation along the was does make a difference.

Leaning a little

2012-01-09T22:37:00.000-08:00

I began this blog a few years ago with the intention of focusing on children.... and our relationship with them. How can we help and guide them? The reality - we guide them in everything we do, whether we realize it or not.... or pay attention or not. Though most of my life work has focused on children, as a teacher and mother, at this time in my life I feel some shifting as I teach less.... and have grown children.

Also in many of these posts, I have stressed how important it is to take care of ourselves. This self care includes all those things we do to nurture our own physical, emotional, and spiritual health and well being. And I believe self care is probably one of the most necessary and valuable things we can and should do. How can we care for others when we are a wreck ourselves?!

So I have been thinking about doing something different. I'm not sure what exactly this blog will look like, but I am hoping to re-energize myself. I love to write, and find regular journal writing very insightful. As I write, I get guidance as the juices start to flow. So, I am going to start carrying a little booklet around with me and get into the habit of writing down ideas when they come to me. Before writing my book, Guiding their way - Day by Day, that is what I did, and the ideas kept coming every day, multiple times in a day, until I had over 365 entries.

Up until now, I have followed the pattern of many bloggers - I began with passion and consistency and over time, life demands seemed to get in the way, so my posting slowed to a trickle. Starting now, I'm going to lean a little .... not going entirely off the path, but possibly gazing a slightly different angle that will very likely take me in some other directions. And I may even eventually discover a different name. For now, I re-commit to at least weekly, if not more frequent entries. We shall see.

Life is a process. So much is unpredictable and out of our control. What I can do is write and reflect and keep looking for guidance from friends, family, children, media.... and continuing to grow myself into the person I am supposed to be. To those who will come along - Thanks for joining me. I welcome topic ideas, questions.... Yes, let's keep asking questions.

Caught not Taught

2011-12-14T21:42:00.000-08:00

Let's take a fresh look at what "guiding" is all about. It is too easy to believe that we have power, that we can control the direction of children's lives. At the same time, when things go wrong, we too often allow ourselves to take all the blame, "If we had only done....."

Yes, we have influence, but children come with their own inner compass based on their abilities, their temperaments, their environment. We can provide stability, emotional and physical support, appropriate information, a rich, variety of experiences. But like creating a delicious vegetable soup, the final outcome is part magic, and out of our control.

We also get into trouble if we are guiding them and not taking our own advice. We "know" what's best for this child or that person, but how often do we take the time to live this way ourselves. We want children to be healthy, and eat well, but we often grab whatever is available when we are on the run. We want children to be fit, but we are not positive role models when we drive instead of walking a few blocks to the nearby store or library. We want them to take their time with their homework and check their answers, but we experience the panic when we rush through a project, or find ourselves being chronically late.

Much of who we are today was not "taught" to us. We learned through trial and error. And if we were lucky, we may have learned some through good examples.

What might help us to slow down? How might we take better care of ourselves? What is a reasonable amount of tasks to accomplish in a day? What do we need to live in balance emotionally, physically, and spiritually? The best guidance we can give is demonstrated by right living.

Gratitude for today

2011-11-10T07:48:00.000-08:00

How quickly each day passes. How precious our time with family and friends.

I am away from home, visiting with family and remembering things from the past, sharing stories with family members. I cherish these times, and am reminded yet again how easy it is to get swept up in the day's busyness and forget where we came from. No matter what the exact circumstances, all of our experiences lead us to where we are today. It doesn't help to dwell on things in the past and get stuck back there wishing things were different today. Acceptance is important. And time remembering can bring us to gratitude for right now.

I am grateful for the love and friendship of family and friends.
I am grateful for the wonder and joy of the young children in my life.
I am grateful for the cool, refreshing autumn mornings.
I am grateful for health and energy.
I am grateful for this day, and this time.

Yes, things are also happening around us that are troubling and frustrating. But frankly, we are powerless over them. We cannot really change those things right now, but we can work on our own attitude. And gratitude puts us in the here and now. Children need us to be present with them, focusing on their needs. They also learn from us when we show them how to take care of ourselves, how to balance our lives and be careful about getting carried away by too much. Yes, we need to plan, some. And thankfully, we also learn from children ...to play. They can teach us so much.... especially how to be grateful in this moment.

Just for today.... just for now.... gratitude.

Guidance in the Pause

2011-08-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

So sorry, kind readers. I have not written regularly. Life has taken me down many different paths. I write in a journal more than weekly, and decided to check in here today. I am making a slight twist in the topics here - Guiding our way, day by day. Where do we find guidance for our daily choices and decisions?

There are so many times during every day when we make choices. Of course many of these times are the mundane things of every day - what to have for breakfast, what to wear, which store to go to for groceries, what activities would be fun for me or the family today, what chores need to be done and when. The need for choices goes on and on.

But there are other choices, too - How do I react to that rude driver? What do I say in response to that tough question? What do I really need to do right now for my health or well being? What will I say to the kids when they are "driving me crazy?" It is so easy in the tension and rapid pace of our days, to react without thinking. Better to pause.... even if just for a moment to consider the "next right thing" or the truly kind or appropriate thing to say or do. Pause... one of those things that is simple, but not easy. When I pause, I am much less likely to say or do things I will regret. I'm less impulsive. I am more thoughtful.

To be of support to others, to do all those daily things with compassion and ease - we do best to pause and consider. This way, we get the guidance we need to do our best.

Just for today

2011-05-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

This is all we have. Today. It is so easy to forget this as we regret the past - what we didn't accomplish or what went wrong or what we missed out on. Or we stay focused on the future and what will be happening tomorrow.

Kids are such wonderful teachers in this regard. Watch them. They are right here now. Right in the mix of whatever is going on for them, what you see is what you get. Their feelings of pleasure, joy, sadness, and anger are right here. Their enthusiasm for what they are playing or learning is obvious. Or their disappointment when they are not getting their way.

And of course, we are teachers for them, too... in many ways. Sometimes when they want it now, we need to remind them that they need to wait.When they are angry and express it in hurtful ways, we remind them to use their words and be kind.

The lesson for us all is to experience today. Be present to whatever happens. Follow your heart. Notice what is going on around you.

More letting go

2011-04-19T08:16:00.000-07:00

One of the toughest things to do is to do our best, and then let go of the outcome. We want so much to control the situation. This starts when our kids are very young, and continues as they grow. We want our kids to eat breakfast without fighting us. We want them to stop fighting each other and play cooperatively. We want them to pay attention in school and do their homework. We want them to make healthy, safe choices instead of rebelling and testing everything. There are many things we want for them. And yet all we can do is our best and hold onto our love and hope for them.

I have sometimes had pangs of regret about my own kids when someone has told me with excitement about the wonderful, dramatic things their children were doing today as adults. When my sons were little, I had hopes about the ways they might make a difference in the world. And of course, they are wonderful young men in their own ways. We can't all be superstars. And in fact, most of us must be very content to do what we can in whatever ways we can.

Letting go of our expectations and our ideas about the ways things "should" be is hard. But expectations take us away from the present, from right now and the way things are. Our children are wonderful beings. They need love and care right now, wherever they are in their development and life choices. And just about as soon as they start stepping out in the world, and are influenced by other people, their choices are further and further out of our control anyway. They become their own persons.... and thank goodness, because their world, the one they will have to live in will be one we can't even imagine and we can't fully prepare them for.

The only person we really have the power to change is our self. We can work on our attitude. We can learn more and understand others better. So just for today, practice loving others and then letting go of those potentially crippling expectations.

Love

2011-02-10T09:05:00.000-08:00

As Lennon and McCartney said, "All we need is love." As the holiday of love approaches, it seems appropriate to reflect on this.

Simple, maybe. But certainly not easy. No matter how much we love someone, there are plenty of times when it doesn't come across. We want the best for our loved ones... our idea of what would be best. So we let them know in words and deeds. It feels like our love has strings attached. "I love you when...." They do something we appreciate and we smile or thank them. When they are doing other things, we let them know we are upset or disappointed. This may feel like we don't love them.

How do we give the message of unconditional love. If anyone had the definitive answer, we wouldn't be thinking about this right now. Clearly, love is not easy. Loving takes lots of effort. We work hard to communicate that our loved ones are precious to us, no matter what. What might this look like?

       We give her a hug when she has just broken something precious to us.
       We attend his games faithfully, no matter what else we might have on
       our agenda.
       We remember a special personal holiday or anniversary.
       We try hard to not yell when we are upset, and we explain reasonably.
       We forgive all the little things that can pile up and feel like one big
       annoyance.

Now there are plenty of times when loving is easy. They can be so adorable or sweet or funny or kind. Loving during the hard times is how we really communication our unconditional acceptance of them. And there is also the consideration of doing too much for people in our attempts to be loved by them. This can take us into the dangerous territory of co-dependency.

"All you need is love." Of course, this is way too simple. We want our loved ones to know that we care about them. We want the best for them. We believe in them. We accept them just as they are. And we will be here for them through it all, good times and hard times. Love isn't all we need, but it certainly can make the journey a little less bumpy.

A new year

2011-01-09T09:05:00.000-08:00

I always love to put the previous year behind me. Not that they have been full of bad, horrible experiences. They have not. As with everyone, there is a mix. Some hard things. Some frustrations. And also plenty to be grateful for. And I always look forward to the new year. This is a time for me to look ahead.... and ask questions.

What possibilities does this new year hold?
How am I going to learn and grow this year?
What can I do to pro-actively continue improving my quality of life?
Where do I need to stretch?
Where do I need to pull back?
What must I do to pay better attention to my life?
What will I notice when I focus on what is really important?
What will help me gain clarity in my decisions?
How can I become more loving in my relationships - toward myself and others?
How can I stay open to new possibilities and willing to try?

Life is really about living with the questions. They are always there. Children are always asking questions, especially "Why?" They want to understand. They are learning so much.

"Why is the sky blue?" "Why are people so mean to each other?" "Why did you do that?" I need to do something about these things. I need to be kind and loving. I need to seek understanding. I need to take action. So for today, I am walking into this new year, open to the questions. And responding...

Holiday Madness or Holiday Magic?

2010-12-15T23:10:00.000-08:00

The holidays often bring a kind of madness, running around like crazy, seeking the perfect gifts. Over-booking our schedules with holiday events. Seeing family members we rarely visit. Or getting stuck in traffic when you only wanted to get a few of the basic necessities at the grocery store. For kids' sakes, for our sakes.... how can we make the best of this time? A few of the obvious things, just in case a little reminder would help (I need this right about now) -

What are our priorities? What is really most important?
Children often enjoy the little things.... so we really can keep it simple.
Making a list and checking it twice - helps us keep things straight.
Remember self care, always important, but even more so when we are doing so much!
The gifts are not nearly as important as the gift of time spent together.
See the holidays through a child's eyes - full of joy and wonder.
What are some of your own favorite childhood holiday memories? What made them so special?

My mother took time every year to get new dresses for our favorite dolls. I remember baking cookies together, and putting cookies out for Santa. When my own kids were little, we had the most fun finding little treasures for their stockings. And I loved the relaxed mornings, with a late breakfast, and an easy day.

Wishing you all a wonder-full holiday.

Just right

2010-12-03T08:17:00.000-08:00

How do we arrive at the place of knowing that what we are doing is "just right." I am reminded of the story of Goldilocks which most of us know well. She kept trying things and didn't settle in until it was "just right." At the same time, I know that sometimes we can over do... keep going and going until we are assured this is "just right," striving for perfection when, of course, this is impossible.

In addition to getting our selves into the "just right" frenzy, we also sometimes give children the idea that what they have done is not enough.The bed is not made to our liking. The clothes aren't folded the way we want. They haven't worked hard enough to finish their homework. Their efforts are not good enough. We want them to learn how to do things well, but we sometimes leave them feeling like they will never be able to do enough to please us. Is this really what we want them to feel?

Where is the balance? Where is "just right?" There are no simple answers. And in fact, people have been asking these very challenging, spiritual questions for hundreds of years. When things are truly "just right," there is a sense of ease and well-being. We can relax into the comfortable chair like Goldilocks. We can acknowledge and accept our good faith efforts. Maybe the most important thing to remember is to ask the question of our selves before we push too much on our selves or others. In this season that sometimes feels like "too much," let's remember to ask - "Where is the balance?" Let's remember to do just enough so that it feels "just right."

Heroes

2010-11-14T08:21:00.000-08:00

We all have heroes - people we look up to. They may have done incredible things, have wonderful accomplishments. Or they may be people who live a life of integrity that we admire.

Children have heroes, too. Today, often these heroes are media celebrities from TV, sports, cartoons, movies, or video games. Some of these heroes present images we also appreciate, but too many do not reflect the values of honor and honesty that we want for our children.

Children also look up to us. They love us unconditionally. They believe we know the answers and know what is right. These are big, sometimes overwhelming expectations coming from these young ones. When we set limits for them and remind them about our values, we have a responsibility to reflect these values in our behaviors.

We just celebrated Veterans Day. Thank you to all those who have served our country, fighting for our right to live in this democratic, free land. Who are your heroes? What have they done to deserve your praise? How are you a hero in the eyes of a child?

Transition time needed

2010-11-06T09:08:00.000-07:00

Children need time to adjust when there are changes. Some of these changes are small ones like moving to the next activity, and some are big ones, like moving to a new neighborhood and school or even bigger, when their parents divorce.

Think about it - we need transition time too. And as adults, we often give ourselves time for the little things. We are already thinking about what we will be doing next, what we need to stop now so we can go on to the next thing. When we stop children from their current activity, they have been focusing on that and may be enjoying it. And then we come along and interrupt them and tell them they need to stop right now. How do we feel when this happens to us, when someone interrupts our activity, and doesn't give us time to finish?

So, children need time, just like we do. When we pick them up from school, if they are busy in an activity, we can let them know, "In 5 more minutes, we're going to need to leave. So finish up what you are doing so you can be ready." Or we can ask them to show us what they are doing and ask if we can do anything to help them get ready to go. Or we can let them know that they can work on this more once we get home. There are many possibilities. But abruptly asking them to stop is tough for kids and can lead to a much longer temper tantrum that spills over into whatever we needed to do next.

Try to put yourself in the child's shoes. How would I feel if I were interrupted? What helps me get ready for the next activity? Our own internal clock is ticking as we notice the time and begin to finish up or put things away so we are ready for our internal deadline. By giving children's warnings and time to adjust, we are helping them learn to make smoother transitions.

Independence or Interdependence

2010-10-21T07:53:00.000-07:00

Independence is an American value. We want our children to grow up and be self-reliant, responsible, capable, and independent. We hope they will have work they enjoy and a sense of satisfaction that they can contribute to society, as well. At the same time, we want them to be respectful, kind, cooperative, and be in relationships that are meaningful. Can we expect they will have it all?

A better word for what we want for our children may be interdependence. We want them to be competent and know how to take care of themselves, AND we want them to be compassionate and work together with others comfortably. We are social beings. We aren't meant to be totally self reliant and on our own. We need others, and we want children to share and learn that the world will not rotate around them, catering to their every need.

When infants are born, they have to tell us when they are hungry or bored and we need to respond for their survival's sake. As they get a little older, they learn to wait and we set limits. "I'll be there in just a minute." or "That's your brother's toy, so play with this one instead." By the time children are 3-4, they are learning to share - share toys, share responsibilities, share their parents' time. They don't get it all. And this is reasonable, because everyone on this planet must share in order for there to be enough to go around.

We would all be better served in our families and our nations if we did more to encourage interdependence. We need each other. We need limits. We can learn to live together with peace and compassion. Children will follow our lead.

Who Guides us?

2010-09-24T08:42:00.000-07:00

Guiding children is a big responsibility. Who guides us? Where do we get the ideas and creativity to respond in the moment to yet another challenge? How do we maintain our energy?

Each of us has our own answers to these questions. And when my children were young, the answers often came after their bedtime. I had some of my own time... even if just for a few hours. The days could be quite exhausting.

As they got older, I could more easily carve out time for myself. I have several hobbies I enjoy. And I also found some books that helped to reenergize me. I have been a parent educator since my children were little. Going to classes and support groups with other parents helped a great deal too. I was often facilitating those groups, but I got alot from them as well. I'm not alone. I could identify with many of the stories and experiences that were shared. I also kept a journal that I would write in occasionally when I was feeling especially frustrated. It helped to see the issue in black and white. It got my feelings out of my head and relieved some of the tension.

Today, I still find reading, writing and sharing very helpful. I find that my "inner teacher" can speak to me during these times and give me ideas or a sense of gratitude and peace. We all have moments when we admit we are out of ideas. Walking, sharing with a friend. Having someone to just listen as I describe what's going on often miraculously helps me to find my own answers. We all need support. We are not supposed to go through life alone. It is okay to ask for help.... to ask...

Have a great day today.

Learning to share

2010-09-23T08:58:00.000-07:00

The little one pushes and shoves. She hits her sister when she wants a toy. She screams when she wants to play, too. She is just two years old. Her four year old sister has always been more mellow, even seems patient, and at times long-suffering, putting up with her sibling's pushy-ness. She has lately been starting to scream in pain or fear or frustration sometimes even before the expected "attacks" of her sister. Life with these two, from morning to bedtime is overwhelming. Mom thinks, "what have I done wrong? Where did these two come from?" How can I ever get some peace?" There is always some kind of hassle to mediate. It never stops.

First, this scenario is very "normal" and typical for many households. The youngest doesn't have all her verbal and social skills yet, and the oldest has learned how to deal with these situations. What varies most from family to family is the adult reaction. Even though it seems impossible to manage in the moment, it is important to respond to both children calmly. Any time we bring our own charged reaction, we are modeling just what we want the girls to avoid. We want them to be more loving toward each other, we need to be loving ourselves. Loving doesn't mean that we allow people to walk all over us and do what they will. But our response can be kind and firm at the same time.

The youngest needs to be taught to use words and ask before grabbing. "Be gentle with sister. Ask sister - 'toy, please.'" And the oldest needs to be taught about sharing. If she doesn't want to share a very special toy or the thing she is working on right this minute, she can find something to offer her sister in trade. Children need many, many demonstrations and reminders before it clicks and they learn to say or do the acceptable behavior before the inappropriate one immerges.

Sharing doesn't come easy for most children, and to be honest, for us adults either. We have some special things that we don't want to share either. There will be many opportunities to practice and model this and other social behaviors. Our children are born with a huge reservoir of potential. The skills they learn are at least partly dependent upon the skills we demonstrate. What are they seeing us do or hearing us say?

Learning takes time!

2010-07-22T15:22:00.000-07:00

I'm a slow learner. I get very accustomed to the way I do things. And even when it is no longer working, I want to continue with the familiar, the "comfortable" even when it gets uncomfortable. Just like a child, it seems I need to fall down numerous times before I figure out what to do differently.

For the last several years, I have been very slowly working on changing my old eating patterns. They definitely were no longer working for me, and instead worked against me. I had an old belief that certain foods provided "comfort" and the reality is that any comfort I got was very short lived and as soon as I finished, I wanted more. I could not sustain that good feeling. I am learning to eat differently, and it has been a very slow process for me. I now avoid certain foods that seem to trigger me to want more. I don't eat after dinner. I rarely get fast food. I don't drink sodas. I'm not trying to prescribe what any of you should eat, but these are the ways I have changed, and I am definitely a slow learner.

Children are too. And yet we often expect them to remember what we have told them many times in order to avoid the behaviors that get them in trouble with us. In the moment, they are responding in their familiar ways. They forget, even though we could ask, "What's the rule about ____?" and they could recite it. In the moment, they are focused on other things entirely.

We need to be patient with them AND patient with us. As I continue to learn to eat differently, I sometimes forget. Rather than give myself a hard time about it, I am thankful that I have a forgiving attitude. "Okay Glo, you just did that. Now, this very next moment, you get to start fresh." I love the 12-step phrase about "one day at a time." Kids need the same kind of understanding from us. Learning takes lots of repetition. And most of the time, children need to learn for themselves, through their own consequences to fully get it. One of my adult sons when rafting last weekend. I suggested he cover his very fair skin with sunscreen and some kind of light pants. He did not, and he has a horrible burn. I bet he will do things differently next time. Learning takes time and trial and error. And then along the way, the A-ha moment when we finally get it!

For today, I choose patience, for myself and in my interactions with others.

Happy Fathers Day

2010-06-20T08:50:00.000-07:00

Fathers Day is an opportunity to express our gratitude to those men in our lives who provided for us when we were growing up. We can also thank the men we know now who are important in the lives of children - fathers, grandfathers, uncles, friends, coaches, teachers. Boys and girls need positive male role models.

We thank them for their commitment to caring and their dedication to providing emotional and physical support. Being a positive role model to a child is one of the most important things anyone can do.

Thank you for -
    Tossing the ball back and forth
    Being strong arms that give hugs
    Attending school events
    Reading all four books at bedtime
    Applying bandaids on an “bo-bo”
    Cheering from the sidelines at a sports event
    Getting up to watch a midnight meteor shower

Fathers Day is a special day of remembrance and appreciation. We don’t have to wait for this special day. Say thank you to a father today.

Virtual games vs real games

2010-06-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

Summer vacation from school is here for many. What are your plans?

Children need free time to physically move their bodies and just play. Many kids today are pretty tightly scheduled. And too many children aren't being encouraged to play actively, getting outside - climbing, running, jumping, gardening, and soaking up the sun. Way too many children today are sitting in front of televisions and computer screens. There can be value in TV programming and educational computer games. But sadly most children are not engaging in these learning media activities. And too many American children are newly joining the rolls of the obese, with all of the health problems associated with this disorder.

This summer, let's make greater efforts to give children healthy choices in their activities. We also need to be good role models. We need to get out and walk. We too need to practice pushing away from our computers (funny to write this as I sit at mine!)and use physically activity to deal with the illnesses and stresses that we are experiencing in growing numbers. Our bodies were meant to move. Shall we?

Offering a Do-over

2010-05-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

When a mistake has been made, can we suggest a "do-over?" A "do-over" is about offering another chance to do the right thing. There are many times when another chance is a far better solution than a negative consequence.

Your child has collapsed into a puddle when asked to help with setting the table. You can join him down there and suggest we need dishes so we can eat dinner. "What can you do to help us get ready for dinner? Let's try again." Sometimes all children need is a chance to feel they are part of the process, and not just a servant. "I'll get the forks and cups."

Sometimes children will ask for a "do-over" when it's not appropriate. She just pummeled her little brother. It would be insincere to ignore this behavior or ask that she just say, "Sorry..." and go on as if nothing happened. First she needs to help him recover with some kindness and loving attention. If he is willing, maybe they can try again to interact in a more positive way. Or maybe he needs a break from her in order to feel safe.

We can also ask for a "do-over" when we have reacted to a situation with unnecessary anger. "I'm sorry. I was feeling overwhelmed and I over reacted. Can we try again?"

In the long run, we want children to learn to do the right thing. To offer help. To be a kind friend or sibling. To finish what they have started. A "do-over" can help them practice making the right choice.

It's how we say it!!

2010-04-02T23:55:00.001-07:00

I sometimes feel like I will always be working on communicating in ways that encourage cooperation. I will always be a "work in progress" that is kind and understanding sometimes and forgets sometimes. Especially when I am tired or overwhelmed or stressed, I speak without thinking. And I am not always proud of what I say. In class the other day, we were discussing how to talk with children in ways that open up the doors of understanding and cooperation instead of shutting them down. Some examples are:

You've just asked her to stop what she is doing and clean up her toys. She doesn't want to and says, "You hurt my feelings." How do we respond to this four year old's attempt to draw us in and let her avoid her chore? When she says this, it seems to me she really means, "You are asking me to do something I don't want to do. I am having fun right now and it makes me sad to stop." So we can say something like, "I'm sorry you are feeling sad about stopping your play. But, it is time for dinner, so we need to work together to set the table. You can go back to playing that after we finish dinner."

He is balancing on a chair, reaching for something on the top shelf. We could say from across the room, "Get down from there right now!!" or we can adjust our words a little and go right over to him and move him to safety saying, "I'm worried you might fall. Let me hold you while you reach for that."

After a long day, you come in and find things left out all over the floor. There are clothes that need to be washed and things littering the table and counters. The TV is loud, and the kids are watching contentedly. You could complain, "Get that TV off. This place is a mess!" Or you could go over to them, getting their attention and say calmly, "Hey guys, I would like to sit down and watch some TV too, but there are many things that need to be done. I'm tired after a long day, and I could really use some help. Take a break from the TV and put these dirty clothes in the hamper. And please take your toys into your room."

As I type these examples in the calm of the evening, it seems easy. Why can't we remember these things in the heat of the moment. Like so many things, we have many opportunities for practice, and we need it! We keep trying over and over to get it right. We want to communicate our appreciation and acceptance of others. In family life, we really can find ways to express our appreciation and work together. How we say it, how we communicate DOES make a difference.

New beginnings

2010-03-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

My husband is experiencing a renewed appreciation for life as he adjusts to life with a stent in an artery in his heart. We are learning to eat differently. I am trying to make similar food changes, and this is not easy! One day at a time.

And all around us, there are other kinds of new beginnings. Bulbs and flowering trees are blooming. Everything is green (which is a very temporary things in Northern Calif where the rain stops in April and doesn't start up again until next fall).

We also have some new babies in the family and among friends. What joys these little ones can bring. Reminds us of our own sons when they were newborns and young ones. Boy, that was long ago!

I want to hold on to the excitement of new beginnings. I want to remember that each day offers opportunities for new possibilities. I want to have what the Buddhists call "beginners mind" with my daily life and not get caught up in "same old same old". I promise at least for today, to start fresh tomorrow. I promise to find moments of joy and wonder. I also want to have acceptance for all of the people I will encounter. Each day is a miracle, a time to be thankful for all that we have and all that we can create and do.

Counting our blessings

2010-03-01T10:06:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't want to sound too much like Pollyanna, but I am counting my blessings. There are many things going on right now that are very difficult, sad, and scary. Haiti struggles to recover. Chile is still shaking with aftershocks. The "haves" in all corners of the world have way more than their share, and the "have nots" don't have enough. And compared to many, I am one of the "haves." I have a warm house, plenty of food, the mobility to get around easily, and along with many other things, I also have computer to reach out into the world to connect with family and friends, to learn and to see what's going on.

My husband very recently went through a health crisis that came out of nowhere for us. And the blessing is that medical intervention was available for us. He is recovering and doing well. These kinds of experiences make us look at our lives differently and ask questions like - What is really important in our lives? What do we value? Where do we put our time and energy?

I am aware even with the title to this blog entry that many people have very few blessings to count. This is not fair. It is what it is, but I am recommitting as I write this to be sure to work at just taking "enough". Sometimes children are the ones who teach us to care for others. And we also need to model for them. Because what we actually do and how we actually spend our time says a lot about what is really important to us.

So just for today, even as I do the work that I must do, I am also going to show my love and respect to my family and friends. I am going to do at least a few things to take care of myself. I'm going to plan healthy meals for us. I'm going to get some exercise. I'm going to tell people I love them. And I'm going to take time to play. I'm going to enjoy the bright green buds that are coming out everywhere, a sign that spring is in the air and we will soon be blanketed with wildflowers. Blessings to you all!

It's a joint effort

2010-01-21T09:34:00.000-08:00

We are not meant to slog through it all alone. We have family and friends to help us.

This includes the children. In many cultures, children "work" right along side their parents. They learn the ways of their group through direct exposure to daily tasks. When they are young, they play with the tools and practice. As they get to be about school aged they are right in there doing what is expected.

Most of us live with many conveniences we take for granted. We have dishwashers and washing machines. We have vacuum cleaners and cleansers. We can buy prepared foods that we just need to microwave to heat up. It's not surprising that children may think that no help is needed. And we adults sometimes find it easier to just do "it" ourselves rather than ask the kids to help. But there are many things needed to keep a household running smoothly, and many ways that children can be included in this. Even before children are school aged, we can let them know that this requires a joint effort.

This joint effort also applies to development. We offer support to help children develop to their full potential physically, cognitively, emotionally, and socially. But once they are out in the world, at school or with friends, they are learning many things outside of our protective hold. They will become unique individuals. "It takes a village" to raise a child. And soon they are having more and more say about what they want and who they will become. Then, our job is to trust and let go.

For daily reminders, consider purchasing Guiding Their Way - Day by Day (upper left).

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T00:33:00.001-08:00

The new year just began here 30 minutes ago. I can't believe how quickly time passes. It is hard to believe that 10 years ago we were worried about Y2K and what the effect would be on computers, etc. Nothing, not even a whisper. And here we are, life chugs along. Justifiable economic fears, wars rage on, children and families struggle. That's just some of the bad news.

And at the same time, many people are incredibly generous. They go out of their way to be supportive and helpful to others. I saw "The Blind Side" (and quite a few other movies) and then the 20/20 interviews with the real people. I was so impressed with their willingness to support a boy from an entirely different way of life. What would the world be like if we all reached out to others like this?

Well, the new year is upon us. How can we demonstrate our generosity to others? What can we do to show children that we are ALL brothers and sisters? How can we unite to solve the problems that plague our planet? What does tomorrow hold? There is no time like the present!

Blessings and peace to all! Glo

Building Bridges

2009-12-02T08:33:00.000-08:00

So easy to get in trouble with people... letting misunderstandings put another brick in the walls between us. We say something. The other person interprets what we have said through their own filter. We don't ask for clarification. We make an assumption about what was meant. Sometimes we are right. But, when not, we start the conversation in our head about how that person has wronged us. Then we are off and running- angry, resentful, disappointed.

Some of us are natural communicators. We choose our words carefully and then check in with others to make sure there is understanding. This does take extra time, but it is usually worth it. The rest of us need to learn from our clear, direct friends.

It is especially important that we help children with this. They don't always understand the words we have used. Children also often go to the place of believing that the problems in our relationships, our anger or turning away from them is their fault. And it is not. Children don't make us angry. Our friends or partners don't intentionally make us angry. When we are angry, we are making a choice to react to the situation that way.

We need to build bridges that help our relationships grow. We need to offer support and listen. We need a healthy dose of patience. These special relationships deserve our attention. As I write these words, I need this reminder, and a nudge to apologize for a misunderstanding I contributed to just the other day.

Wishing you a day of bridge building. We need each other.

A Season of Gratitude

2009-11-20T17:25:00.000-08:00

It's easy to write about gratitude, but often hard to remember these things in the moment. We can get so wrapped up in the busy-ness of right now. Or get tangled in resentments or regrets. Believe me - I could make my list!! But just for now, with a few moments for reflection, I'm going to share a few gratitudes and hope that you will too.

I am grateful for family. They are the people we have been given, not the ones we have chosen. Though it isn't always easy, it is so much more satisfying to love and accept them than to fight... or to wish they were more understanding. And besides, we don't really have control over them, only our own feelings and reactions.
My three sons are now grown. They have each weathered some tough times and gained skills to navigate in unfamiliar or scary territory. May their paths continue to open for them.
Even though times are financially very tough for many, there are also many wonderful stories of generosity and kindness. On the whole, Americans are very generous people.
Opportunities to learn are everywhere. We can learn from children. We can learn from the next person in line or a driver who shares the busy road with us. If we are open, lessons come in many forms.
I am blessed with good friends, people I have chosen because of similar experiences or interests. People who share my values and beliefs. What would we do without them? We might be very isolated and lonely. It is sometimes hard to reach out, but is often very rewarding.
Children are a constant source of joy and surprises. There they are, smile on their faces, open and ready for the next new experience. Give a hug. Read a book. Push a child on the swing. Smile back.

There are so many things to be grateful for. I would love to hear from you about what you are thankful for. Blessings for the season.... and for every day!

Our habits - Their habits

2009-10-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes children develop some of the same "bad" habits that we struggle with. What are the best ways to deal with this? Just a few thoughts -

If you tend to be someone who turns to sugary or snacky foods, and you don't want children to do the same thing, try to leave these foods behind at the grocery store when you do your shopping. Since these are trigger foods for you, when they are not there, then this eliminates a potential source of "fight" with others. Fighting about food is one of the things that has often contributed to our own current food issues, so many of us learned to hide our food or lie to ourselves and others. If the food is going to be around, can you find ways to accept and not fight about it?

The other night we were all (all of us adults) watching a movie together and I was totally distracted by the fact that every one else kept going for more and more snack foods and I try to not eat ofter dinner. The right way for me to respond is to just do my best to take care of myself. They will take care of themselves in whatever way they need to.

I was a nail biter until about 7 years ago. That is nearly 50 years of nail biting. One of my sons is also a nail biter. When he was a kid, I would negotiate all kinds of things to try to get him to stop. And I would also give him "looks" or say something. None of this ever did any good. Hey, I should have known this since nothing worked on me either. A few years ago, as an adult, he decided to stop. It is hard to watch our kids doing things we don't like, especially when we see the same things in us. Sometimes consequences work, and sometimes they do not, and often our constant reminders can just be too much.

I went to a workshop on the emotionally intense child this past weekend. One of the things the speaker said is when children complete a task and behave appropriately, give big acknowledgments... when they do not, give big love. This sounds good to me.

Near and dear to our hearts

2009-10-22T12:04:00.000-07:00

Seems like more and more, there is life to talk about. A dear friend of mine passed away today. So I am reflecting on her life and my cherished relationship with her. We all start out as little children, full of potential. We come from all kinds of families. Some children have parents who adore them. And some parents have a hard time figuring out what children really need. No matter what, no matter where children live and grow up, their potential still bubbles inside. Our potential does not stop at the dawn of adulthood. We continue to have many opportunities to learn and stretch our imaginations, to reach further than we could have even thought possible as a young child.

We are encouraged to grow by feeling near and dear to someone. We are social creatures and need each other. There can be miles that separate us, but we feel a strong connection with the mere thought of our loved one. Or the sound of their voice. Or a glance at a photo that reminds us of a special celebration.

I am in awe of the resilient spirit that helps each one of us to fly. As I remember my friend, may we all feel the support of those near and dear to us that have been the shoulders that lifted us onward. And may we offer our support to those coming right behind us. Blessings to all.

Tweeners need us

2009-09-10T16:00:00.000-07:00

What's a "tweener" you ask? These are kids who are in the middle between childhood and full blown adolescence. They are often in the beginnings of the changes brought on by puberty. And all the emotional mood swings are starting to kick in. They are capable and want to be thought of as "grown up" but they still need lots of support and guidance. Because all kids develop at different rates, tweeners are typically between the ages of 10 and 14. This can be a very awkward time for the tweener and the adults in their lives. These are also the middle school years from 5th through 8th grade. You couldn't pay me enough to go back to those times!

Though they are very tuned into their friends and actively push adults away, they need us. Especially in these crazy times. They are pulled to make choices and decisions about many things: school work, recreational activities, and values choices. They feel peer pressure intensely and what to fit in. Media bombards them from all sides.... with music, video, games, advertising. And the messages they are getting are not always the ones we want them to focus on.

More than ever, we adults need to work to keep the channels of communication open.... and not just with rules and more rules. Yes, they need limits. But we want them to think of us as available and approachable when they need to talk, or just to do something fun together. We walk a challenging line to keep a balance between loving support and appropriate limits.

What do you do to keep the lines of communication and connection open between you and your tweener?

A fresh start today

2009-08-30T08:03:00.000-07:00

You can't go back and make a new start.
But you can start today to make a new end.

This is a saying that is used by people who are struggling with recovery from addiction. This can give hope to all of us when we have gotten ourselves into a jam and don't think we can ever leave this mistake behind us. We can. And each day is a fresh start on the rest of our lives.

How often do we remind kids or other family members over and over again about the mistakes they have made? "You always forget to do ____." or "When are you going to ever learn ____?" Yes, we get frustrated that learning often seems to take a long time, but it did for us when we were kids, too. It still does! And this kind of message isn't what helped us finally get beyond and grow up. This kind of message left us feeling like we would never get there. It deflates self esteem.

After a time out, or a consequence as a result of an inappropriate behavior, we can actively put this behind us and encourage the child to do the same. For ourselves, when we make a mistake, when we respond too harshly, we can apologize and start fresh today or even the next moment with kindness. Yes, children need redirection. They need our help to learn and grow. They do not need us to "bark" at them with commands. We learn too, day by day. I learn day by day, as I work on things that trip me up and keep me from being the best person I can be, toward myself and other people.

Thankfully, today is a new day.

True? Kind? Necessary?

2009-08-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

I have been considering the question of what to say and, frankly, when to keep my mouth shut. To be honest, this is the challenge of a lifetime. I find this much easier to decide when I am interacting with strangers and acquaintances. This is difficult when I am talking about my relationships with friends, and especially family. I also know that I am not alone in this communication struggle because I hear examples from others all the time.

Why is it that many of us think we know best? That we have the answer that will solve her problem, even when there are plenty of times when we have a tough time finding the best solution for ourselves. If he would only listen to me.... yeah, as if my life is perfect and always operating smoothly!

Recently I was at a meeting where someone remarked that at work, when she wants very badly to say something about a situation that is bugging her, she sometimes has her wits about her and remembers to stop and think first before speaking, asking herself -

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?

Later that day, I received my daily "Thought for the Day" from Eknath Easwaran's book Words to live By, with the very same reminder. Though these questions probably originated many years ago from the teachings of a wise sage, I felt I was getting a clear message from the universe today to consider my words carefully. When put to this test, often, my best response is silence. These are very helpful questions to teach children. But even more important, they are probably best learned through example.

14 Cows for America

2009-08-04T07:40:00.000-07:00

I get a weekly e-newsletter called "Exchange Everyday" with info to assist early childhood educators. This story is one that must be passed on. Our children need to hear about the love and kindness and compassion offered by others so they will learn to do the same and stand with people who need support - physical, emotional, and spiritual!

Some children's books are funny, some are clever, many are not so clever. Every once in a while, one touches the hearts of both adults and children. 14 Cows for America by Carman Agra Deedy is such a book. It is a beautifully told and illustrated story of Wilson Kimeli Naiyomah from Kenya. Here is part of his remarkable story in his own words at the end of the book:

"I am Kimeli in this story. I grew up in a small village in Kenya.... When I was older I won a scholarship to study in the United States. Many American moms and dads welcomed me to their homes, as would their own child. Like the Maasai elders in my villag e, these people showed me kindness by taking me in and helping me get an education. America became my second home.

"I was in New York City on September 11, 2001. What happened that day was devastating. Many people were left without their mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters. Like countless others, I watched brave firefighters and police officers risk their own lives to save people. My warrior heart could not sit still in me. I wanted to do something to help.

"My childhood heart told me what to do: Offer a sacrifice in the way of my people. To heal a sorrowing heart, give something that is dear to your own. I had saved enough to fulfill my dream and buy a cow. I decided that the cow, a symbol of life to our people, would be my offering to the grieving Americans....

"I returned to Kenya the following spring and told the story of that tragic day in New York City. Hearing my story, seeing my tears, the ancient spirit of my people was stirred up. When I presented my gift for blessing, the others offered up their own precious cows. Fourteen cows were blessed that day. It was a great moment in my village. We were helping to heal people far away.

"When the American ambassador and his wife came to our village to accept the cows, 'The Star Spangled Banner' played over a loudspeaker during the ceremony. Although my people did not understand the song, they stood along with the Americans and placed their hands across their chests. Seeing hundreds of Maasai standing with him in respectful silence made the American diplomat cry. His tears caught the Maasai by surprise, and we were all swept up in the deep emotion of the moment. A connection between the two cultures had been made. We felt we had taken some of America's pain into our Maasai hearts.

"These sacred, healing cows can never be slaughtered. They remain in our care in Kenya under the guidance of the revered elder Mzee Ole-Yiampoi. The original fourteen have calved and the herd now numbers over thirty-five. They continue to be a symbol of hope from the Maasai to their brothers and sisters in America. The Maasai wish that every time Americans hear this simple story of fourteen cows, they will find a measure of comfort and peace."

Impulsiveness and "evil"

2009-07-22T19:41:00.000-07:00

This is a far more provocative subject than those I often write about. But I feel compelled. I was with someone the other day who felt that her nephew as irredeemably evil. He hurtful, mean, rude things to others all the time. Are there people who are innately evil? Are there children who are hopeless causes because they will not learn to behave in socially appropriate ways? From my experience, the answer is No.

First, I don't want in any way to make this all about "environment" meaning that children are a reflection of what they have been taught, or what has been modeled. Though there is truth here, we can too quickly get into a place of blaming parents and caregivers. This is not a blame game. This doesn't help children and society as a whole at all. The social and emotional climate of a child's upbringing is only one piece of the puzzle.

And this is also not solely about genetics. Our genes are a powerful influence on who we are and what we become. But life and family members and experiences all go into the mix and can mediate with genes. Most young children are impulsive by nature. They are curious and some will go to any lengths to try something new out. A three year old child may even pinch a baby sister or brother really hard or put a kitten into a bucket of water to see what happens. Rarely is this done to really hurt the baby or animal. This very young child is not hopelessly evil. Young toddlers and preschoolers do not have the ability to logically understand another's feelings or the consequence of their behaviors in nearly the sophisticated way that they will a few years later when they are school aged. And certainly having a moral conscience is something that is taught.

We can ask a very young child, what's the rule about..... whatever. And because they have heard this from us, they often can parrot back a simple correct response. But in the moment, they forget. They are not thinking fully when they let their curiosity or excitement get the better of them, and they do something that seems hurtful or mean. That is exactly the time when they need a reminder. They need to hear that that behavior is unacceptable, it is not kind and respectful. And they need to be directed to appropriate activities. Just saying "no" or "stop" is often not enough to sidetrack them.

Some adults will say, "well, he knows better." And they are right. But knowing better and always making the right choice in the moment are two very different things. Even we adults do things that "in our right minds" we know there are better, more healthy, more kind responses. We over eat. We drink too much. We stay up too late. We forget to make that appointment for the dentist. We react to someone on the road, and cut them off. There are many, many examples. This does not mean we are innately unteachable people. Children need us to remember that we can act thoughtlessly, too. And we can learn to be more aware, moment by moment, and ask ourselves, "what would be the kind thing for me to do right now?" And then we act the same way toward children.

Looking for ancestors

2009-07-16T11:30:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of one set of my great grandparents, Willard and Lillian St Martin. I believe this is a wedding picture taken in bout 1896 in Wisconsin.

I have been doing the family genealogy for many years. I love this adventure. It is like I am running a major detective agency. Using resources in archives, libraries, and now many online sources, it is possible to go back in time and find our ancestors. Since I am often busy during the school year teaching my classes, summers are the time for me to dig back in and see what I can learn. Well, this summer, rather than spending so much time looking back, I've decided to find my "cousins" in the present.

When my dad's father was a young man, he left home and married, and after only a few years moved the family from Minnesota to San Diego, CA where my dad was born, and I was born and raised. My grandfather died before I was born from early onset diabetes. He had been told about 10 years before that he would only live a year or so, but was able to beat the odds of that time. Because my grandmother remarried, we had very little contact with grandpa's side of my family. One time we saw my great grandfather (Willard in the picture) who was living in Washington as an elderly man. I have pictures, but I don't remember him.

So this summer, I have been looking for relatives on my Martin side, and I have found some. I am also excited to be getting pictures of the uncles and aunts from way back. And I am even planning to visit some of these folks in the midwest. It is very exciting to learn more about the family.

Many children today have no idea who their great grandparents are, or where they came from. People used to depend upon their oral history and shared their stories freely. Where did that practice go? We have become a media-driven computer age, but forget to take the time to talk with our elders and learn their stories. I have so many questions I would like to have asked of those who are gone. So, I am looking for the elders who are still around to find out more.

We are here today because of the hard work and spirit of adventure of our ancestors. Many of them lived hard lives. Some of them were less than perfect. Others are described as generous, caring people. They all helped make us the people we are today.

Too many details

2009-06-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

Our visit with family went well. There were many precious moments of just sitting and talking. I was pleased to see my sons visiting and laughing with extended family members they very rarely see. It was a pretty relaxing visit. And now that I am back home, other "stuff" calls. I always have lots of things on my list. Lots of details that are screaming to be handled. I get easily distracted by additional things that can seem to come out of nowhere and call out, "Me first!" To be honest, I am more likely to follow the call of those opportunities that sound fun or interesting. I recognize that this is a gift. Sometimes I cannot let go. Sometimes I must do all those things before any fun.

No matter what we may think we need to be doing, kids call out to us all the time! They want help. They want to show us something that is precious to them - like a dandelion flower or a spider or a rock that shines with "gold." They're fighting with each other. They are bored. Can we let go of our list of things to enjoy the moment with a child? Sometimes we are just too busy with all of the details. We need to decide what is most important.

I know that self care is critical. If I am not paying attention to my health, I am not at my best. So little things like being sure to eat a good meal, brushing my teeth, taking a walk are necessary every day. We live in a face paced world that wants me to hop on the hamster wheel and keep running. I need to remember to get off and stop. There are always priorities to juggle and reassess. What do we really need to focus on?

Life is full. Life is crazy. And life can be really challenging. So, how can we remember to take time to enjoy the moments? Sometimes it's simple (though not always easy) - Stop. Breathe. Notice.Listen. Appreciate. Just writing this was a gift for me. Thanks for being there.

Remembering 60 years

2009-06-14T09:50:00.000-07:00

Dad with my two sisters, Susan and Kathryn

My parents just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. Next weekend we travel down to San Diego for a family reunion and appreciation for all that my parents have given us.

Raised in the midst of the big Depression, Gordon Martin and Tricia Totten found each other through a church youth group. Mom had come to California with her family only a few years before, and Dad was born in San Diego. They each saw in the other a partner who could help to light the way during dark times, and bring joy and fun at other times. Theirs has not been a totally smooth life path, but whose is? Through it all, they have loved and accepted each other, and supported each other on the journey. They are best friends!

Mom has always loved reading. She is creative and has always encouraged us to follow our dreams. She took her role as a mother seriously, being room mother, scout leader, and chauffeur to many different activities that reflected our individual interests. Dad is a very hard worker, modeling the importance of a strong work ethic and life-long learning. Even at 83, he is writing a book on a science topic that he passionately believes in. They still dance weekly at local round dancing events.

We had many fun family times when we were kids. We went to church every Sunday, and on camping trips most summers. We four siblings are still close today, at a time when many families are split by differences.

What memories are we making for our kids? What kind of family life are we providing? What values do we reflect in our daily choices? How are we offering children the support to be all that they are meant to be?

Thanks Mom and Dad!!

Celebrating successes

2009-05-22T10:55:00.000-07:00

The end of another school year is fast approaching. Most of us are relieved. Even working parents who may have to scramble to figure out the appropriate child care for the summer are thankful to be able to set the evening routines aside. Homework can take a break for a few months.

And at the end of the semester, report cards will be issued. Some have done very well, often with the support of others. There is also a common tendency to notice the things that did not go well, the subjects that need more attention. Just for a little bit, let's have a moratorium on nitpicking and focusing on the negative. Let's do the opposite of what we often do, and be sure to give more positive attention, offering congratulations for the things that have been well done, the successes accomplished.

This is a reminder we all need. I am much more likely to be critical of myself and the mistakes I make than to acknowledge when I do well. It is more encouraging to get positive feedback from others than to feel the inadequacy of "constructive criticism." Is it ever really constructive? It still feels like judgment, even if it is feedback that could ultimately be helpful. When things are going well, the kids are playing together without fighting, we tend to hold our breath in surprise and gratitude. These are the times to recognize and celebrate.

So, for today, I celebrate the successes in my family members and in myself. Well done! Good for you! Enjoy the day.

Looking for Normal

2009-05-12T13:56:00.000-07:00

I was at a meeting the other day where someone was talking about children who are in the foster care system. These children have often experienced abuse and deprivation that NO child deserves. These kinds of experiences can have a profound effect on a child's development. It can become skewed. They may be "normal" in their learning in one area, delayed in another, and sometimes even ahead of their peers in another.

For example, a child can be starved for emotional connection and may seek contact in all the wrong ways, being too friendly with people they don't know, with poor to none existent healthy boundaries. Or a child might be delayed in language development because no one talked to them on a regular basis or they had poor nutrition. Or still another child might be too interested in sexual matters well beyond their years if they have been exposed to inappropriate sexuality. Any one of these children could potentially be right on target with milestones in other areas of their development.

When we really examine this issue, we are reminded that each child grows at their own pace, influenced by many different factors. Parents and other providers often hold up the standards of "normal" to gauge where a child is today. We need to be careful in our expectations. For just about every marker of a child's current growth, there is a very wide range of what is actually "normal". And what is "normal" for one child, may not be for another.

Years ago I took our young son to a new doctor for his regular well-check visit. He was a very tall, well-built child. He was not over-weight, but he had broad shoulders, a large head, and a big frame. Like many children his age, he was a picky eater, but in spite of this, he ate reasonably well. This doctor who didn't know him or us took a look at the growth charts they all have and saw that he was about 95% in height and 90th in weight and was concerned about his size which was "normal" for our son. He was actually pretty evenly proportioned because the percentiles were very close. This doctor didn't really even understand the charts he was using and cautioned me about providing the right nutrition.

What is "normal" for you, for a child, or for another person is just what is "normal" for each of them (within some reasonable limits). Rather than looking for or striving for the mystical, allusive thing we call "normal", it seems to me like we need to be doing more to accept our children and our selves right where we are. And work with doing our best to provide the nurturing and enrichment that maximizes each person's on-going growth and development.

Seeing their wholeness

2009-04-27T15:39:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite pastimes is going to a movie. I get myself a large bag of popcorn and sit down and wait for the make believe to make me laugh, or think, or capture my heart. There are many movies I won't see. Hollywood can spend lots of money on junk. I just went to a very touching movie, The Soloist, based on the true story of a man who is homeless in LA. This man is a talented musician with schizophrenia. The movie story is not totally true to the real man, Nathaniel Anthony Ayers, but the heart of the story comes across wonderfully.

I like to find the truths in fiction. I like to be reminded of our humanity, and to see the hope in this sometimes very crazy world.

Mental illness is a crippling health issue that takes many forms. We have come a long way in our understanding of the multiplicity of disorders, but we are also still struggling to figure out what this means for individuals and families. Mental illness is still shrouded in mystery and fear. When we put our collective mental health on a continuum, we find that we all lie somewhere along the spectrum. Is there really such a thing as "normal" or are we all unique reflections of our makeups shaped by heredity and experience. What does each person need to feel comfortable with life?

And we still have a long way to go, to give each person, each child, the chance they need to develop to their own potential. These are "nice" words but the practice of this point of view takes a lot of faith. As a mother, I had times when I did not act from faith. I believed I had the answer and knew exactly what was right for my children. Of course, sometimes I did. But I also mis-stepped.

I guess my point today is that we need to keep trying to really see our children, our loved ones. See them as whole people. We need to admit that we can only do our best and that we are going to make mistakes in our relationships, in our lives. We can accept each unique being and remember it's not our job to change anyone. Heck, I have a hard time changing some of my own bad habits. I'm not sure where everyone in my family lies on that mental health spectrum. I do know that we're not neatly lined up together. And I'm convinced that love and acceptance are always better paths to take on the way to wholeness.

The Feng Shui of Caring for Children

2009-04-15T21:55:00.001-07:00

I was just thinking today about the vibes that surround me here at my computer in my home office. I am a teacher and writer, so I am literally hemmed in by piles of papers and boxes of books, full-to-overflowing shelves, and file cabinets. In spite of this sometimes overwhelming clutter, some of my best writing and class planning has happened here.

Fung Shui is an ancient practice that helps us recognize the impact of our surroundings on our physical and emotional energy. Some practitioners are able to assess aspects of a person's quality of life through observation of their living environment. This is a metaphysical science whereby we are encouraged to create living spaces that help us tap into the chi (life force) that support us all.

Clearly, children are affected by their environment. The lighting, the noise, the busy-ness and pace of the activities, the number of people and children, the number of activities, the emotional charge of the interactions - all of these things and more can influence how children AND adults are able to function.

We know that when we are stressed and in a hurry and have too many responsibilities calling to us, we are less patient and less creative. So, of course, what we do to fashion a reasonable pace of life makes a huge difference in the process and outcome of our days. In these times, most of us are doing WAY too much, WAY more than is reasonable. And our environments prove this.... homes and yards that need attention, buildings too close together, streets and highways crowded with cars and people. I can feel it.

AND when I am conscious, I can breathe deeply and slow down, and put more of my energy into creating a space that nurtures me and the ones I live with and work with. Where are we going? What is really important? Who is really important? What can we do today to consider working more harmoniously with the energy that holds us all?

Seeing Children

2009-04-10T21:38:00.000-07:00

I have been reminded several times lately about how important it is to really see children. Some of us grew up with the "seen and not heard" philosophy. We were supposed to be quite and polite. With these expectations, I don't think children were really seen. How can people really understand children when they don't talk to them, or let them talk. When they must sit and always wait for adult approval. I am so glad that my parents didn't raise us with this attitude. We laughed and played together. Yes, we had our hassles, too. We were seen.

Seeing children is also about being careful to avoid crippling labels that make children feel bad about themselves. Even when children are intense and dramatic, we can see them for their energy, creativity, and enthusiasm for life. When children seem shy and fearful, we can see them for their careful observation and study of a situation before jumping into new experiences.

Children need to be seen and they need adult mentors who are willing to offer support and guidance, mostly in the form of time. No other distractions, just focused attention. Gotta get those cell phones and TVs off and give kids the gift of being seen.

I'm scared

2009-03-25T18:14:00.000-07:00

Kids say this to us all the time. In fact, we worry when a child seems fearless, seems to take risks without thinking of the possible consequences. We want them to be brave, to try new things. But we also want them to be careful and stay safe.

Life can be pretty scary. New things. Or unexpected surprises. Or big loud dogs. Or the dark. It is so important to acknowledge a child's feelings, no matter what. A child's fear may seem silly to us, but the fear is real to them. Children need caring adults who will really listen to them, and not always be so stuck on needing children to listen to the adult. Yes, children hear us, but so often our talking is lecturing and after a minutes it sounds like, "Wah, Wah, Wah Wah, blah blah blah." One of the best gifts we can give is taking time to listen. When they trust we will listen and accept their feelings, they are more likely to be willing to tell us about them when it really matters.

I'm scared right now, too. I'm scared for the future. What will it be like? Will we be able to manage? Will our children and our grandchildren be able to take care of themselves? Will there be resources to go around? Will we finally learn to live in peace and share this planet? Will we have clean water and blue skies and fresh vegetables?

My questions and concerns could go on and on. But in this moment, I am also very grateful for my friends and family who listen to me. They help me come back to right here and right now. This is the only time we really have, so I'm going to take a deep breath and express my gratitude. This moment of being present to my own fears is what I needed. And that breath. Kids need this, too. They need us to listen and acknowledge and bring them back to right here and right now and the things we can do to make today a little less scary.

Service to our country

2009-03-17T21:06:00.000-07:00

I was walking past a grocery store today. And seated on a chair near the entrance with a big sandwich in her hands was an elderly woman with a sign. She was collecting donations for AmVets. I asked her if she had served. She proudly told me that in 1942 as soon as women were allowed to volunteer, she joined the US Navy WAVES (Women Accepted for Voluntary Emergency Service) and served until the end of the war. I thanked her and gave her a donation. As I walked away, the tears surfaced. I was very moved that this probably about 87 year old woman was so proud to have served our country. And I was proud of her.

I am probably a pacifist. I say probably because I'm not sure what I would do if I felt my family members' lives were at stake. But I believe in diplomacy, a difficult, yet sincere, tireless effort to understand people with opposing views and work for compromises that consider the needs of all. For many, many years, the mighty have prospered and the little guy has had to follow or die. At the same time, I have always appreciated those who join the military to defend the rights of democracy. And though I don't believe war, or fighting is the answer, I believe our military and their family members should be well taken care of. Like Michelle Obama, I am deeply saddened that many of our military families are on food stamps. A military enlisted salary is not enough for one person, let alone a whole family. Our military personnel deserve a greater quality of life than they are given.

So this woman today made me think about all those who serve. How do we treat them? What kind of resources are available to their spouses and children?

And what are we teaching children about the value of offering service to others? I believe in a youth corps in which every 18 - 20 year old, male and female, would serve the country in some capacity for one year. This would not just be for military service. They could also choose to work in the cities, in parks, fight fires in the forests, offer child care to inner city families. Our country needs the help of strong young people to rebuild decaying communities.

Thank you to all those who have served our country - in the military and in countless volunteer positions throughout our communities. Bless you all.

Being in time

2009-02-27T13:02:00.000-08:00

Where does the time go? This is not about being "on time" but in it, present to the moment. I'm sure I have lamented many times before about the passage of time. Today I have been having one of those days that feels spacious. I keep looking at the clock and being surprised by how much time I still have. What a way to approach life? How can I hold onto this experience? There I go, wanting to micro-manage this or package it. I have been moved by a poem this morning, "Trough" by Judy Brown:

There is a trough in the waves,
a low spot
where the horizon disappears
and only the sky
and water
are our company.

And there we lose our way
unless
we rest,
knowing the wave will bring us
to its crest again.

There we may drown
if we let fear
hold us within its grip and shake us
side to side,
and leave us flailing, torn, disoriented.

But if we rest there
in the trough,
in silence,
being with
the low part of the wave,
keeping
our energy and
noticing the shape of things,
the flow,
then time alone
will bring us to another
place
where we can see
horizon, see the land again,
regain our sense
of where
we are,
and where we need to swim.

But "if we rest... keeping our energy and noticing... then time alone will bring us to another place... regain[ing] our sense of where we are, and where we need to swim." Today, I have felt myself resting in that trough, and feeling nourished there. I am where I need to be. I can let some of the "shoulds" go, just for today.

In this busy world, what a gift to offer to children, to just be, to slow down. We can ask ourselves, "how important is it that I do this today?" And when we do slow our wild pace, children show us and teach us many things. They offer us creativity and curiosity and enthusiasm and wonder. Then for all of us, "I'm bored!" can be replaced with a world of possibilities.

Knitting Socks

2009-02-01T14:15:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite finished sock pairs

I first learned to knit from my mom when I was a kid. Then I relearned or got the new and improved instructions from a neighbor when I was an older teen. Throughout the years, now and then, knitting has been a source of creativity and relaxation. And to be honest, a way to keep busy while I was watching TV or a movie. Then about a year and half ago, I got the idea to learn how to knit socks. I found a great site online that gave step by step instructions. Following along, I got one done. Then I did the second one, and it was so much better, that I took out the first and knitted a third. My first pair was born. Since then I have made more than 40 pairs of socks.

Knitting socks has proven to be one of my favorite pastimes in all seasons. They are easy to take along and pull out anytime. They are a great gift. My husband says that when he wears the ones I have made it's like having me right up against him.... ah, sweet!

In tough times and good times, in all times, it's great to have a hobby or interest that brings us joy. A few weeks before Christmas, I was having tea with a friend at one of the local cafes. There was a young man who was carefully knitting what looked like a scarf on some big needles. I asked him about it. He said his girlfriend had just taught him that morning and he was planning to make scarves for friends as gifts.

What kind of creative pursuits are we encouraging in kids today? For ourselves?

Do you feel the earthquake?

2009-01-30T23:16:00.000-08:00

Seems like the earth is rumbling under my feet. We have definitely come to a huge tipping point, I hope, and who knows what kinds of things might happen.

A new president and many new possibilities. Yes, we have lots to do to recover from this huge mess we've dug ourselves into. And one man can't make it all better. Well, I don't know about you, but I have more hope now for eventual rebuilding then I did some months back. I'm ready to do more, doing my part. Yes, we can!

And what a different world we present to children. You really can grow up to be and to do anything you set your heart on. I know, it also takes a good dose of luck and connections and being at the right place at the right time, but hope and belief go along way in preparing the road ahead.

I'm thinking a lot these days about what we can do and I think these times definitely require action. How can we give our kids hope? We can talk with them about their dreams. We can show them through our example that we live in this world community together and must all help out. We can be more conscious and aware of what's going on around us. We can smile lots more. We can turn the TVs and computers off and go outside - rain or shine. We can take kids to neighborhood clean-up events. We can turn on the music and dance... or get out the drums and make some joyful noise!

The earth is moving under my feet... I gotta get moving. Are you coming?

Community Building - Change is comin'!!

2009-01-18T19:25:00.000-08:00

Hey, times are tough, but change is coming. This morning in church many eyes were tearful with anticipation as we all held hands and sang, "We shall Overcome." This won't be easy times. But, when we all work together, we can rebuild this hurting country, and reach out to the world. I'm so excited and full of hope. My hope is that Barack Obama will create a presidency that feels very different from what we have experienced in recent years.

Diversity is encouraged. New ideas will be flowing. We will all be called to serve our country in some way, through volunteering and reaching out to others.

In recent years, too many have adopted a feeling of entitlement. The American Dream isn't about a free ride. The dream is fulfilled when we all work together. In America we can speak our mind. We have freedom and choices, but not if our choices are going to hurt others.

I will be watching lots of TV in the next few days, joining others in our national celebration. A big part of my joy is for today AND for future generations. What a message this gives to children. You can become whatever you want to be. And we are all behind you lending our support. Yes we can.... build "a more perfect union." Yes, we can!

Tough Times - Part 5 Community Building

2009-01-16T21:26:00.001-08:00

During tough times and all times, we can't do this alone... this being life. We aren't meant to be isolated, and in fact, when we become isolated, times get tougher. And yet when I am feeling crummy, one of the first things I do is shut myself off from others. There's a difference between seeking quiet, meditative time to ponder our next steps, and closing the doors to companionship and support.

In these times we're in now, and in the near future, community is going to become even more important. I believe many people today are starved for connection. And yet, isolation and loneliness make it more difficult for us to reach out. Children can be natural connectors for us. When one of my sons was three, he would smile and enthusiastically greet strangers when we were out and about, "Hi, my name's Wade. What's your name?" And they need us to encourage their comfort with friends and competence in social settings.

So, we must be proactive. What can we do to build community? Here are a few simple "small steps" that I am going to take:
* I'm going to connect more with my neighbors.
* When I'm feeling stressed, I'm going to make more of an effort to call someone.
* I'm going to continue to make walking "dates" with friends.
* I'm going to smile more and greet people when I am at the store or doing errands.

More than ever, there are many changes that must be made to create a sustainable future. Building strong communities must be right at the heart of this effort.

Tough Times - Part 4 - Small steps - Do Something

2009-01-10T09:02:00.000-08:00

Times are tough and it is easy to get overwhelmed and stuck. I offer this reflection from Chris Trout at http://www.strengthsinfocus.com -

This week's reflection is about you. How is it going? Are you moving toward what you want? "A-a-ck" you say! "Be careful where you tread. I'm feeling a little vulnerable these days."

Why is this so often the way it feels? For we...

Want to take action in our lives.
Intend to ask for and advocate for what we want.
Are committed to taking the first steps.
Are determined not to let another day pass.

But it (another day) does pass. And we don't (act). And we regret. And we lose steam. Then time goes by, we have an insight or revelation that will make it all different this time, and we start the whole process over again (albeit having peeled back yet another layer of our ever-so-complicated psyches).

Sound familiar? Here's the good news: You are so not alone. Here's the bad news: You aren't nearly as uniquely complicated as you had hoped. ("Yes I am! Leave me alone!")

So what to do?

Anything. That's right. Do any tiny, miniscule, pathetic, insignificant little thing even remotely related to what you want. It needn't be the right thing or the most productive or what anyone else thinks you should do. Just do any one thing - right now, today. Then tonight (and this is the important part), look yourself in the mirror - I mean it, literally look at yourself in the mirror - and thank yourself. Say, "________, I appreciate your action on __________. Way to go. See you back here tomorrow night." Do it again tomorrow.

This is how success works. Not very complicated. Not so dramatic. Step 1: Do any simple act to move forward. (Yes, skipping just one chip from the bag counts. Saying "hi" to one person on the elevator counts. Getting the address of the masters program counts. Noticing one tree on the way home counts. Step 2: Express gratitude to yourself and the universe that supports you. Now repeat. And repeat. And repeat.

Do these two simple, insignificant, not-so-dramatic steps every day and soon your brain will get the idea. The actions will get bigger, a little more 'significant' - all on their own. Some actions will create their own next steps. New ideas will come to you at the oddest times. And before you know it, you will look at where you are and say "Now how did I get here?"

When you say that, promise me this: that you will stop and smile, say "Thank you" to yourself, and relish the feeling, for you are now one of those people you used to envy, people who seem to know the secret.

Do anything... thank yourself.
Do... thank.
Do... thank.

One thing... anything... today.

Tough Times - Part 3 Ruthless for Children

2008-12-31T07:05:00.000-08:00

Tough Times require that we become tireless advocates for children. We must stand up and demand that children be given the opportunities that will help them to succeed in these times, and any time.

James Squires, PhD., past President of the National Association of Early Childhood Specialists in State Departments of Education, offers these words of inspiration...

Ruthless

For those amongst us who sincerely care about children, the time has come to be ruthless.

We must be ruthless against the poverty that causes children to go to bed hungry and awaken to barren cupboards.

We must be ruthless against bureaucracies that cause children to be denied basic medical and dental care.

We must be ruthless against politics that promote unconscionable inequities in educational opportunities for children.

We must be ruthless against the abuse , neglect, and exploitation of children.

We must be ruthless against businesses and consumers who benefit unfairly from the labors of children.

We must be ruthless against media that glorify violence, hatred, and intolerance for children to model.

We must be ruthless against industries which profit from weapons that blindly injure, maim, and kill innocent children.

We must be ruthless against governments and groups that turn their children into warriors.

We must be ruthless against forces that pressure children beyond the breaking point, robbing them of their childhood and extinguishing all hopes and dreams.

We must be ruthless against our own ignorance, arrogance, and indifference.

For if we are not ruthless, we have truly lost our compassion.

Tough Times - Part 2 - Presence

2008-12-27T08:12:00.001-08:00

When times are tough, we get stressed and distracted. We sometimes go into survival mode and walk around doing the minimum of what's expected and forget to notice the unexpected. One mom recently told me about her very mystical two year old. Sometimes, kids say amazing things that get our attention! Mom was doing her usual busy-ness and had finally stopped and sat down. Numb from all the demands she was feeling, she was kind of staring off into space. Her tiny daughter took her mom's face and looked into her eyes and said, "Mommy, where are you?" That was a wake-up call.

Probably one of the most challenging things for many of us is to stay present... to stay aware and attentive to life and people flowing around us. Presence is also one of the most rewarding things we can do. When we are present, we notice things that otherwise get by us, like the people in our lives who are important to us. Like the beauty that is always there for the seeing.

Times are tough and there are many things we must do to keep afloat. But peace, even for a moment, comes when we notice the wonder in the ordinary of every day.

Tough Times - Part 1

2008-12-14T15:11:00.000-08:00

I love to go shopping at the local "Grocery Outlet" because you never know quite what you will find. In these tough times, I can definitely count on paying less there. Today, right behind me in the check out line was a self-described stay-at-home mom. She said this was her favorite place to shop. They often have organic and specialty foods that she would pay lots more for at the natural foods grocery store. She was out on her own, with her two year old napping at home with dad. She and her mom have fun when they can come together and they both leave with a cart full.

And speaking of dads, there was a young dad shopping with his two year old son in the cart, and grandma (the dad's mom) helping out. Dad was picking all the right foods, with the hope that this picky toddler would eat them. He was pointing to a box and asking his son, "Who's that?" Elmo from Sesame Street was there to promote some fruit snacks. I love that they were making this necessary shopping trip a fun experience for this child.

Times are tough. We are all going to be tightening our budgets to make ends meet. We are going to change some of our usual routines. Especially in tough times, we can still surround ourselves with family and friends and have fun! Even at the grocery store.

Every Child Homeschooled

2008-12-10T16:14:00.000-08:00

Every child should be home schooled, no matter what other schools they also attend. Kids who are home schooled have adults in their lives who are totally committed to their education. And education does not just mean book-learning. They are given opportunities to experience many things that will give them a broad understanding of the world they live in.

* Frequent trips to the public library to research many topics
* Regular visits to local museums
* Chances to take things apart and put them back together
* Hikes in the local fields and forest, looking for creatures and plants
* Discussions around the dinner table about current events
* Acceptance of their individual talents and differences
* A variety of opportunities for socially connecting with others
* Experiences that show appreciation for diversity
* Community involvement with social service agencies

Our own children went to public school. Often they had great teachers; sometimes they weren't. But we always did things as a family that reinforced our value of life-long learning. We can't just send our kids to school (whatever the school, public or private) and expect they are going to learn everything they will need to know to succeed in life. And what often sticks are the things children learn at home. What are we teaching them?

Surprised by Love

2008-12-10T13:07:00.000-08:00

Oh, I just read a very touching note from a colleague. He and his wife adopted a little boy a year ago. He said, "We never knew we could love someone so much." We are often surprised by how much we love our infants. These little energy balls of possibility are constantly waking us up with their delightful curiosity and wonder.

Then, children grow up and sometimes their behaviors are much less charming. In some of the tougher moments, we can forget how cute they were. Yet, children are amazing. They all deserve our love and commitment. They need our help and support... even beyond the teen years.

This is my wish for the world.... love. And I wish that every child felt this kind of unconditional devotion from parents and family members, even as they grow into more awkward, testy phases. Love is not all we need, but it is SO important. Wishing you all some love on this wonderful December day!

Patience

2008-12-01T12:03:00.000-08:00

I am usually very patient with small children. They get frustrated when they can't do something. They are bored with what we are doing. They don't have a long attention span. They can't always do what we want them to do. I'm usually able to distract them or find something else that will soothe their frustration.

I'm not so patient with older children, teens. or adults. Somehow I am more likely to think, "They should know better." Hey, I'm also impatient with myself for the same reason. If I get caught up in this, I forget my good intention. The truth is that in the moment, we don't always know better. Judgment and discernment can become clouded by curiosity or interest or impulse.

This last holiday weekend and the time ahead is giving me a reminder to muster all my patience to deal with the impatience and impulsiveness around me and within me. As experience so often teaches, when times seem crazy, my own reactivity does not help. The only person I can really influence is myself. So, in hectic traffic, in lines at the store, when my own family members seem oblivious to all the things that need to be done around here, my patience is the ticket to rising above these things and enjoying the moment.

Breathe, Glo. When I am waiting for an important event or announcement or whatever, this brings me back into line with my patience. I can now notice the generosity and kindness and understanding that is all around.

Enforcing with understanding

2008-11-20T07:43:00.000-08:00

She is ten years old and definitely getting to the age where she fights with mom. "You never listen to me. You're always telling me what to do. I hate you!" and she disappeared. Where is she? She has run off. Mom is in a panic and finally finds her a half mile from home, back at school. "Just wait till your dad gets home. He's going to be so angry." Mom had been worried sick! Where was she! So, she wanted to put the fear into their daughter to prevent this from happening again, but now dad has to be the judge and the bad-guy and figure out how to deal with this situation.

There are several "lessons" in this. What do we want this child to learn? Be afraid of mom and dad and what they will do? or Remember to let mom and dad know where you are so they know you are safe? I think it's the second one. Children need to know they can get angry at us and we won't reject them. We just want to make sure they are safe. So when dad gets home, what is he to do? First, he can tell her that he and mom were worried when they didn't know where she was. Sometimes bad things can happen (no need to go into the gory details), and they want to make sure she was safe. Then, acknowledge her feelings, "Mom told me you were mad about having to do your homework right away after school. I know you get frustrated, but just please stay safe!"

When they were fighting, mom could have responded differently instead of invoking the potential wrath of dad, calmly saying something like, "I know you're mad it me. You don't like having to do your homework. But it's important. You can take some time to relax and then we'll talk some more." We can respond to kids in ways that acknowledge their feelings and prevent a situation from blowing up into a fight.

It's frustrating for dad to feel like he has to come home and be the enforcer. When he has a chance to talk with his daughter, he can ask her what she was feeling and thinking. Try to see the situation from her perspective AND let her know that moms and dads get scared and worried. We can also ask her, "How do you think we should deal with this. It was not safe to go off without saying where you are and we don't want this to happen again." Often, children have some workable ideas for consequences. Sometimes their ideas are even more strict than we would impose. Probably her worries about what would happen, before dad came home, and this conversation offer the major learning experiences. A brief consequence might also reinforce the lesson, but she doesn't need to be grounded for a long period.

In most situations, after the talk and the immediate consequence, it is important to do our best to restore good feelings.

Healing the Past

2008-11-14T20:47:00.000-08:00

Family - these are the people who are supposed to meet our needs when we are young and love us - no matter what. They care for us when we’re sick and offer help when we need a hand. Not everyone has grown up with this kind of supportive family relationships. Some of us did not get our needs met. We didn’t feel loved or respected. So, because of childhood experiences, one thing some of us know for sure is that family is not the place to ask for help.

Once we enter into adulthood, there are times when our “family of origin” issues surface. We may carry hurt and disappointment from the past into the present. Sometimes a child’s behavior triggers an old memory or a feeling. If we are not careful, our reaction may be unintentionally hurtful.

In order to relate to children in healthy ways, we must make sure that we are doing the recovery work needed to heal the past. We don’t always have the opportunity to do this directly with the people involved. But we can work hard to separate ourselves from those times so that our relationship with children is not affected by our family history.

In addition to doing our own healing work, we can learn how to communicate effectively with children. We can learn about their needs and set reasonable expectations for them. We can also create a network of supportive friends who are there to help. Even when we have not had positive role models during our growing up years, we can do our best to be supportive adults for children today.

For all the Saints

2008-11-02T13:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Nov. 1st, a day that to some is celebrated as All Saints Day. This is a day to remember the saints in our lives, those who are still with us, and those who have gone before. Saints are those wonderful people who have supported us, given us hope, helped us during tough times. They have been role models who loved us unconditionally. In our religious traditions, they are people of faith who have done amazing acts of kindness and compassion. Their strong faiths guided their daily decisions.

So I want to thank some of the saints in my life. I am very grateful for my ancestors, most of whom were long gone before I was born. Many of our ancestors experienced unbelievable hardships and challenges to make it through life. They had none of the comforts and conveniences that we have today. From dawn until sunset, they worked hard to maintain a life, and raise their children. Many of my ancestors were people of faith who believed God would provide for them and reward them with abundance. Their courage and persistence carried them through and cleared a path for me, for us.

I am also very grateful for the saints in my life today. I am blessed with family members and friends who are examples to me today. Even though I am a mid-life woman, I continue to learn, especially from the wisdom shared by others.

We have landed where we are today because of the many who have passed before us. We rest on their shoulders. And our children and grandchildren and the children of the future will be supported on ours. What are we doing to pass on a world of faith, hope, and love to the today's children? What is our legacy? What will we leave for them?

Media and Learning

2008-10-25T17:12:00.000-07:00

A woman in one of my classes told a story about the effect of media on her young 4 year old son. He was watching a show on public TV with one of his friends who was a girl. At some point in the show, the main character who was male was playing with a boy and a girl. There was something that the girl character perceived as heavy, so she opted not to do it. And the main character commented that girls couldn't do it, implying they weren't strong enough. The two children who were watching this show got into a discussion. The girl said she thought girls could do whatever they wanted. Then, her son said, "No girls can't do that." Well, my student, the mom of this boy stepped in to reassure both children that whether you are a boy or a girl did not limit by itself the choices made during play time. Her son said, "No, mommy, you are wrong."

So here he is, four years old, and mommy is wrong. And the TV is right. She told her husband she didn't want their son to watch this show any more. They have been very careful about what they let him watch, and now this show was passing on values and attitudes about girls and boys and their abilities and strengths that she thought were biased.

I'm not one who believes we should completely ban media from children. We can't. Some kids will even make choices to spend time with certain children because they have a TV or a certain video game. But, we do need to monitor the TV, movies and video games that kids are watching. When children spend a lot of time with media activities, they may be absorbing beliefs that we don't agree with. I suspect, though I am not sure, that this 4 year old may have had a different reaction if his father had responded with the same kind of statement that his mother offered. He may have already learned that being a girl means you are limited in your abilities.

Children are learning all the time. They are constantly receiving new information and making decisions about what is right. Our open communication with them also helps them learn how to assess the truth. Young children can have very "black and white" - "either/or" thinking. It is our job to stretch their perspectives.

Rising above the fear

2008-10-15T16:52:00.000-07:00

Everywhere we turn, bad news. Life is tough for most people now days. The shaky economic picture is having an impact on almost everyone. We feel pretty powerless. What are we to do?

The ostrich hides its head in the sand. What good does this do? Denial doesn't get us anywhere but stuck in la-la land. But at the same time, we need to be realistic. There are things we can do to make sure that life keeps chugging along. Taking care of daily business is one of those things. Sometimes we just need to put one foot in front of the other and do the next thing, whatever that is. We still have to go to work. There are all kinds of household responsibilities that keep calling us. We need to take care of ourselves, even though sometimes we feel joined at the hip to the news media. Turn it off and take a walk.

And have some fun. With family members and friends. Children can definitely pick up on our anxieties. They don't understand what's going on. Sadly, they often internalize our fears and wonder what they have done to make us anxious or upset. Yes, they need to know that we may need to change our routines some. They don't need to know all of the financial details. They need reassurance from us that we are taking care of them.

We also need joy in our lives, especially when things seem so gloomy. Noticing the good things is not about being in the dark or hiding from the truth. Joy and pleasures are all around us. This beautiful day. The support of a friend or loved one. The curiosity and questions of a child. Giggles and smiles. Hugs. Simple expressions of gratitude. Noticing the joys in our life help to renew our spirits and give us more energy to cope with life.

We can become very stressed by the fact that times are tough. Or we can rise above our fears by taking care of business each day and remembering the value of family and friends. Love and support help to carry us through difficult times.

Juggling it all

2008-09-29T07:36:00.000-07:00

It is hard to juggle more than two balls. I have tried to learn three. I still hope to figure that out. But it takes a different kind of coordination. Life is like this, too. The more things we have going, the harder it can be to really do them successfully. So, I have had several "balls in the air" lately and I haven't written on this web journal.

In addition to having several things going at once which is really just part of life, I have also been doing at least two things that are new, going into unfamiliar territory. Because of this, I have had to shift my priorities and there are some things that just haven't gotten done, or haven't gotten done well. I just can't do it all. I know I am not alone in this dilemma. This happens to other people all the time. And this happens to kids who are learning.

Young children are learning new things every day. Sometimes we get impatient with them because we have told them a hundred times (or so it seems) and they still aren't remembering. When we put ourselves in their shoes, we can realize that we don't always remember either. As long as we are gentle and respectful, occasional reminders are appreciated by kids. We do need to be careful this doesn't feel like nagging, because that will be tuned out in a flash. It also helps to break down tasks into small pieces.

It is not possible to juggle it all. We can learn to set reasonable priorities and find a balance. For all of us, this means including work and play, responsibilities to others and to ourselves. I hope you are able to experience a sense of accomplishment AND also have some fun today. I'm heading out for a walk with a friend. Enjoy!

Powerlessness

2008-09-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

I am daily reminded of my powerlessness. Living in the whirlwind of world, national, and personal events, I would like to feel like I could control the things that happen to me and around me. I can't. I can influence how I feel about them. I can consider my reaction and response. That's where my power lies.

True confessions - In the moment, amnesia often settle in. I forget previous experiences and don't take even a nano-second to consider my response first before I blunder into the mix. My sons have experienced this first hand. They have always had their own ideas about what they needed in any situation, and rightly so. At the same time as I valued their independence, I was also frustrated when their ideas were counter to what I thought was best for them. And as their mother, I often had the commanding final authority on decisions that I thought would effect their well-being. My heart was in the right place, but during these times, I sometimes squelched their independence, and their need to learn through their own choices. Those times are in the past. And thankfully, they have grown into capable adults, because and in spite of our parenting.

I continue to work on developing personal practices that will help me be more present. I want to worry less about the future and be grateful for the many blessings I have now. I want to slow down and think before I react. I also need to accept my powerlessness over people and situations. I really don't know what's best for everyone else. I can only try to figure out what's right for me. Just taking the time to sit and write out what I am thinking and feeling helps. I gain some perspective. It also helps me during the toughest times to say the "Serenity Prayer":

Grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

and to Breathe! Wisdom is more likely to surface and help me act in the present with calm when I have allowed myself the gift of time to consider the alternatives. Yes, I am powerless over others. But this does not mean I must lay back and give in. I must muster my courage to continue to respond thoughtfully with kindness, respect, and understanding.

Super Star

2008-08-25T13:22:00.000-07:00

I always enjoy watching the Olympics. In the summer time, my favorite sports to watch are gymnastics, swimming, diving, and track events. I love the spirit of "doing your best" that permeates most of the contests. Just to be good enough to be able to participate in these competitions must be a huge honor. I am amazed at what their bodies can do.

I am also impressed by the number of hours that these men and women have spent practicing their sport and honing their skills. Many of the coaches seem very supportive and proud. A few nights ago I saw a woman compete in the pole vault. When everything was done, she earned a silver medal. We also saw her coach criticizing her after the event. He was nitpicking about the ways that she was not as good, as finely tuned, as the woman who won the gold medal. She had a very dejected look on her face as she turned her back and slumped away from him.

There are different effective styles of coaching, to meet the varied needs of the individual athlete. This example is absolutely the wrong way to coach. I could never have accomplished what she did, over 15 feet (if I am remembering right). People pretty universally respond better to support and acknowledgment of their efforts and strengths. Yes, when they are in training, they need some guidance to help them perfect their skill. But at the end of the competition, everyone benefits from hugs and atta-boys.

We all need encouragement and recognition for the efforts we make. Some children and adults will be good enough to compete for higher awards. Good for you! You did it! You gave it your best!

Patience for learning

2008-08-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while since I last posted. I had a very busy summer and several projects that demanded my attention.

One of those projects has involved learning something new. As of today, I am now teaching an online class. Instead of meeting my students face to face in a classroom for this class, we are "meeting" online through online lectures and a message board. Getting this class all set up has required me to stretch my computer knowledge. The process is very thoroughly spelled out, but there is LOTs to learn, and there are many little things to remember. When the class began today, I thought I had everything set up. It was exciting as students began to check in. Then several of my students sent me notification that at least one part of the class was inaccessible. Oh, my, a glitch. I have read my notes, gone to the help sections. I can't find the source of the problem.

We all realize that everyone makes mistakes. In fact, mistakes are often a necessary part of the learning process. This experience is reminding me how difficult it is sometimes to learn new things. And how hard it is to admit mistakes. Having to give in to my inability to fix this on my own, and email the online learning coordinator, feels a bit like defeat. I know, I'm not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone slips up. I just wish this wasn't happening to me.

Kids often feel the same way. I'm pretty sure my feelings of frustration and incompetence about this current computer challenge originate, at least partly, deep in my past experiences. What messages do we give children about learning? What kind of expectations do we have for the learning process? Learning takes time and patience. Mistakes are valuable tools in the process. And sometimes we really do need to make the same mistakes several times before we finally get it!

I have emailed the head computer guru at the college. I'm pretty sure he will find the problem quickly. Once I push the right button here and there, the problem will be fixed and I will send out apologies to my students. I will feel much better when this is resolved. But I also need to be more accepting when the next glitch surfaces. I need to be patient with myself. We can also model this for children. They need our patience, too. Learning takes time.

Think with your heart

2008-06-30T12:13:00.000-07:00

I am back home after a few days in the beautiful high country, with rivers full of water from the snow melt. Some snow still persisted as we increased elevations on the trails. The nights were cold and the days were glorious. I really value time away, time to leave my routines behind and live in the moment. When I got home, I kept myself "on vacation"for several more days, avoiding phones and meetings.

While catching up with my life and working my way through a stack of papers, I came upon some suggestions about how to take good care of ourselves. Many of these are obvious things that we know and still find difficult to actually do:
1. Have more fun.
2. Remember to get some sun (just enough and not too much).
3. Enjoy good, healthy foods.
4. Get plenty of rest.
5. Move your body.
6. Focus renewing energy on your relationships.
7. Think with your heart.

Number seven is the one that gave me pause. Of course, all of the other things are important, but if we don't think with our hearts, we may be missing a critical essence for a full, healthy life. Thinking with the heart is about considering: What do you love? What really brings you joy? What do you care about? Studies have shown that when our positive emotions are "in charge", guiding our daily choices, our immune system is strengthened. We have more energy to sustain us through difficult times. Our outlook continues to focus on the possibilities and we are motivated to get things done. We are willing to try new things. Our attitude is more hopeful.

What a gift this can be for children! When we think with the heart, we are more likely to consider all of a child's needs, not only physical needs, but emotional ones as well. We don't focus only on what they are doing, but how they might be feeling. The goal isn't to get the best grades, but to feel energized by learning, especially learning about those things that excite.... dinosaurs, space travel, computers, friendships, writing stories, whatever. Yes, we want children to be kind, cooperative, and respectful. But sometimes we ignore the inner child as we focus on behavior. Children seem to think with the heart automatically, and yet we do our best to make them unlearn this. Stop! A person's EQ - emotional quotient - is at least as important as their IQ, maybe even more so.

The world would be better served if more of our leaders, if we all would think with our hearts!

Into the wild

2008-06-14T22:32:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving tomorrow for 5 days in Tuolumne Meadows in the high country of Yosemite National Park. When I was a kid, our family went camping at least once during most summers. I loved it then, the hiking, and playing in streams, and campfires and the STARS! Oh those stars! I loved sleeping right out under them, so if I woke up in the night, they were right there. When our own kids were little, we did lots of camping, too. Until our youngest started to complain. He was never an outdoors kind of guy. Where did he come from?

Many kids today are raised indoors. T.V. and computers are their friends and the source of information about wildlife. They might even be surprised when they have an outdoor experience of the real thing. Summer is a good time to get out and explore, even if just checking for bugs under a rock at the local park.

I love hiking, watching the birds, seeing deer grazing just feet away from the path, putting my feet into an icy stream, and the Stars! So, I am off to commune with nature.

I hope you have a chance to get away and explore a corner of this beautiful planet.

The way to peace is love

2008-06-14T17:04:00.000-07:00

As I "grow up" and learn more about myself and how I relate to family and friends, I continually work on letting go of shame, blame and guilt. These attitudes don't serve me, and they don't get me anywhere but down. The way to peace - whether peace of mind or world peace - is love. So simple, and yet so difficult.

A common theme for me is about remembering what I can influence, what kind of power I have in my world. The only power I truly have is to deal with my own feelings. I do not have any power to control other people or events. The best I can do is work on my own issues and how I respond to the people and events that come my way. When I view my life through the lens of love, I feel much more peace. I feel stronger connections to the people I care about... and to those I don't even know.

When we let love guide us, we are kinder. We are more patient. Children and teens need love and kindness and patience. So do our own parents. A woman shared today about her relationship with her mom. For a long time she focused on the difficult parts of their relationship and felt like "she done me wrong." Even though her mother died several years ago, she is learning to love her now. She believes she has a much better relationship with her mom today because she is letting more love into her life. It is never too late, but oh, it is so much better when we can strengthen our relationships with love and reap the benefits in the here and now.

Love - it's not all we need, but it goes a long way to lead us to a life with more peace.

"Summer time and the living is easy"

2008-06-11T07:06:00.001-07:00

I always loved summer vacation when my kids were little. I was fortunate. As a teacher, my work schedule also relaxed for these few months, so my sons and I were able to have pretty flexible routines. I am not a hot weather person, so it was mostly about staying cool. Most summer mornings the guys could sleep in and play with their friends in the neighborhood during the day. We also visited local parks and did some swimming a few times a week.

It was pretty dramatic the way the day to day hassles would just about disappear. This was a reminder that the main thing that contributed to our typical challenges was our "too busy" schedule. We didn't need to get out of the house early and "on time." House chores were still there, but there was more time to do them. There was no homework to cloud our evenings. And there was less of a push for a consistent bedtime because the mornings were less demanding.

Summer time was family time for us. I know, not everyone has this luxury. Many parents have to work year round and their children must keep up many of the daily routines. With longer daylight, I hope you are able to have some relaxing evenings.

What helps you live more easily in the summer?

Let's talk

2008-06-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

I would love to hear from you. What are your challenges with kids? What are your joys? I am hoping to blog more regularly during the summer. And I would like this to be a dialogue. Kids, life, stresses, community concerns?

Just click on the comments and go through the steps to add yours.

We are all in this together. It definitely takes the whole village to look out for us all.

Cranky time

2008-06-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

When is the classic worst time of day, the time when we all find ourselves on the verge of melt down? From about 4pm until the kids' bedtime. We are tired after a busy day. Blood sugar is low as we scramble to prepare dinner. Kids want our attention when we have very little energy to give and no creativity. Homework still lies ahead for school agers.

Since this is an every day occurrence, we might as well accept the challenge and move into this time with reasonable expectations.

Kids need to eat more often than we do. They are often more energetic than we are, so they are burning those calories much more quickly. Having a snack before dinner is a good thing to restore energy and lower crankiness. If they aren't able to eat a full dinner, that's okay too. A pleasant evening is our goal, not a food fight.

Television is a distraction, as are computer and video games. If we can set limits with these, a few minutes of Media time can give us a chance to get the rest of the evening on track. A few minutes! Have these off during meals. Talk together. Check in about the day. And keep them off until everyone's homework is done. TV-time is not family time. We can play games together or go for a walk to the park. Throw the ball around outside now that it's light until about 9pm.

Bedtime routines help smooth the evening wind down process. Kids often like being with us and don't want to miss out. If we are rushing kids off to bed so we can relax, we may find ourselves pulled back over and over again with their requests for attention - water, "he's laughing at me!", trips to the bathroom. Instead, do all of these things as part of the routine and talk or read together.

As with so many things, our attitude influences how this challenging time will pass. We can let our grumpiness make for increased frustration for everyone. Or we can make sure we have reasonable expectations and give kids the attention they crave.

Persistence

2008-05-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended the graduation ceremony for a friend who has completed work for her doctor's degree in psychology. Many of the graduates spoke of transformational experiences that brought them here. I was struck by their persistence. They all had to figure out how to go around, or go through, the obstacles that showed up in their paths along the way. And they did. Their determination got them through, but they also couldn't have achieved this accomplishment without the supportive people who helped and stood along side with encouragement and assistance.

These were adults who couldn't have done this alone. This reminds us how crucial it is to a child's development to provide support. Some children are born with more than their share of persistence. They are fighters. When something grabs their attention or they decide upon a course of action, they stick with it. From start to finish, they work their way through. This takes incredible focus and drive.

Others are more externally driven. They need encouragement from us to keep at it. We sometimes wish they were more independent with a stronger self will to move forward. Though we must be careful not to do things for them, our gentle nudges keep them going. Our support can actually help them become more confident and self motivated as they experience successes along the way. Without our support, progress is more challenging, and they may give up.

Living with and working with children provide daily opportunities for offering assistance. Our persistence and determination to be there for them helps them become all they are meant to be.

Sleepless nights

2008-04-30T22:34:00.000-07:00

I talked briefly with a parent who is feeling overwhelmed by the demands of 24 hours - 7 days a week. Parenting is a huge commitment. I don't believe we ever really understand the impact of this until we are right in the middle of it. When do we sleep when we have a child who is wakeful much of the night.

Sleep needs vary... theirs and ours! Some babies sleep through the night from nearly the beginning. Others seems to sleep rarely. We had one of those. He didn't "sleep through the night"- which really means a 5-6 hour stretch of time - until nearly 2, and even then it was rare. Even when he was an older preschooler, he frequently climbed into our bed in the middle of night. He knew which side of the bed to get into. Can you guess? If he climbed in on my side, he would get a few snuggles then I took him back to his own bed. If he got in next to dad, he may last the rest of the night. I couldn't sleep at all with his wiggles. And he grew out of naps by 2. Occasionally he was so tired by dinner time that he would fall asleep in his food. Then we knew we were in trouble, because after a two hour nap, he would be up from about 8pm until midnight.

Sleep deprivation is crazy making. Without enough sleep, it is impossible to function on "all cylinders." We are grumpy. We can't organize our thoughts. We live as if in a constant fog. We were not meant to raise children in isolation. In tribal communities, there are many hands available to tend to children's needs. Even though most of us do not live in these kinds of social groups, the message is still clear: We need support. We need help. We are not supposed to tough it out and raise kids alone. These times will pass, but in the middle of it, the end is not in sight. To survive these times, in addition to support, it can also help to lower our expectations about what we can realistically do in a day. And rest when the kids do!

Finding enjoyment in the little things

2008-04-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

In this very mobile world, when many find themselves separated from loved ones and extended family members by many miles, I was very lucky to grow up in the same community as several of my cousins who were close to my age.  I have very fond memories of the times we spent together, spending the night at each others houses and at larger family events. Though I have lost touch with many of my friends from childhood, I am thankful to still be connected with family.  I know, not everyone can even say this.

My cousin Judy Martin is a quilter and has written many books.  You can find her at http://www.judymartin.com/.  She also sends out a bi-monthly newsletter to her adoring quilting fans. I love to keep up with her by reading this, even though we only communicate directly several times a year. In this morning's newsletter, she said,

"It’s finding enjoyment in the little things that is the key to happiness. If we wait for extraordinary things to happen, we’ll spend a lot of time in between just going through the motions."

How many little things can we find today that bring us moments of joy and pleasure?  Already, I have enjoyed my leisure pace. Our taxes got mailed!! I had a lovely morning walk in cool weather. There was a hot air balloon in the sky. I appreciated a conversation with my son. I hugged my husband and enjoyed his smile.

Yes, there are many little things. And kids are so good at finding these. Let them be your teachers today and show you the path to play.

Backing down

2008-04-10T06:45:00.000-07:00

She was feeling the press of her own deadline. She had a class that night and wanted her twelve year old son's homework to be done before she left. So she was on him to do his homework - now! Finally, he yelled, "Leave me alone!!" Rather than come back at him with what she would have said in the past - "Don't you disrespect me!" - she just stopped and waited quietly. In a minute, her son humbly apologized. Then she calmly asked him what his plan was for that night's homework. He became willing to do it.

She was pleased with this breakthrough. In class, we have been talking about the real power of listening and backing down. When we come back with our own insistence, this can be like putting fuel on an already burning fire. The flames shoot up! And the fight continues. Instead, when we are able to take a breath and think before we respond, this gives the child or other person a chance to think, too.

This is simple, but it's not easy. We need to set aside whatever is calling us into the fight just long enough for the dust to settle and clearer heads to step in. The more often we can successfully back down, the easier it becomes next time. And there will likely be a next time.

A Mother's fierce love

2008-03-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

I've been driven into a rest-only state by a weird inner ear virus that has given me vertigo and intense dizziness. I haven't been able to do much, but after the first few days, I have been able to read. For light reading, I enjoy mysteries. And sometimes I also discover meaning and wisdom there.

I just finished Mother Nature by geologist Sarah Andrews. At the end of the well crafted story is an "Author's note" about the power of Mother Nature and Sarah's hope for our eventual understanding and love of the great Mother.

"I find that California's geology follows a negative female archetype in its personality: She is capricious, moody, given to fires and floods and earthquakes, entirely too ready to rid herself of the humans who persist in building along her shores and valleys. She is the very image of the Hindu goddess Kali, as viewed through the lens of Western patriarchal cultures.... I find it interesting that Kali is viewed so differently by cultures older than ours. She is indeed considered ferocious, but not disenfranchised from her anger as are women in our society. Her anger rises naturally as she moves to crush that which threatens her children..."

"I dream a dream for my generation, a mother's dream. I dream that we are learning to raise our sons and daughters with Kali's ferocious love, not stunting their growth with toxins born of our disappointment and impacted anger. Our daughters will grow up strong, directing their passions in mature ways, neither scorned for their anger nor shamed for their desires, ready and able to use these energies to birth an even better world in the generation to follow. And our sons will grow up knowing how to grow, delighted by the strength of their sisters and their wives-to-be, responsible for all their acts and feelings, mature and wise and strong."

"It is a fine dream. In it we find the humility to admit our shortcoming in the way we've been treating our Mother. On waking, we embrace our limits and her vastness, and learn to live in harmony with the natural laws of her love."

Yes, it is a fine dream!

Changing our focus

2008-03-15T21:11:00.000-07:00

When we are in the middle of struggles with our children, it is hard to imagine a positive outcome. Yet, no one ever really dug themselves out of hard times by focusing on the problem. We are able to find our way through the muck and sludge by using our positive character traits to lead us to the solution: our willingness, our courage, our determination, our creativity.

"Our son is so stubborn. He resists everything we ask him to do. He only wants to hang out with his friends or be on his computer. His homework is a struggle. And then when he does finally finish, we are all so exhausted we just fall into bed. Then the next day it is the same thing all over again. Why does he fight everything?"

Stubbornness takes two. We are also very persistent in our request. We have our ideas about how things should be done, and when he doesn't cooperate, he seems stubborn. But to him, we are being inflexible and unwilling to see things from his perspective. How can we view this situation differently? We can start by looking for the strengths.

Instead of the negative view reflected in stubbornness, determination is a desirable trait. We just want children to be determined and persistent and motivated by the "right" action. So, can we look at them through a different lens? The same child who seems manipulative has the creativity to work the situation to secure what he needs. The child who is feisty and resistant may also be energetic and able to stand up for what he believes. The child who is busy and into everything may have a strong spirit of adventure, willing to try new things. The child who seems to be ignoring us may be very focused on his own activity.

It takes an entirely different mindset to stop focusing on the negative and start noticing the positive potential. But when we do, often the behaviors change right before our eyes.

Recognizing Special Needs

2008-03-05T13:14:00.000-08:00

We all have special needs at least some of the time. Children may have special needs which impact their mobility, their learning, or their social skills. When we are going through a major change, or an illness, or maybe we have a long term challenge, it helps when our needs are recognized and resources are available to help.

Frequently I get asked about a particular child. Someone will describe the child's behavior and ask me what I think might be going on. Since I have been working with children and parents for some time, I often can get a "sense" of the situation. If the behavior feels to me like it is within the range of "normal" for this child's age or experiences, we talk about what might help this child adjust right now. Sometimes after I have heard the description, I have what I call a "red flag" feeling. A little bell is sounding inside, a flag is waving in front of my eyes. My experience tells me that something different may be going on for this child. This child may need some extra assistance.

Without seeing the child personally, I can't tell for sure. But this is a time to encourage the parents or other adults to get some more help. Get some more eyes on this child, observing and listening. There are organizations whose job it is to do assessments of children, and then after this evaluation, to hook them up with services that will help them. Some parents may feel like "he will grow out of this. Why stress him out with strangers looking at him?" Well, the sooner the concern is recognized and addressed, the better this is for the child and family. Then, with more information and ideas, this child can move forward.

So, if you are feeling like something might be going on for a child, if you have questions about this child's development, find a local professional who can help you figure out what strategies would assist this child. Yes, we all have special needs, at least some of the time. And we all need help, at least some of the time. It takes a village, and everyone in it, to raise a child and support a family.

Lessons from struggle - Tender moments

2008-02-24T12:51:00.000-08:00

We don't expect them. Sometimes we feel so overwhelmed by life that we can barely put one foot in front of the other. Recognizing the treasures within our relationships may seem impossible. Carole's tender sharing about spending precious time during her mother's last days reminds us all.

When I was recently with my mom and dad during the early days of her recovery from a serious fall, there were some tender moments I cherish.

Dad stroking mom's head and rubbing her back,
The tears of overwhelm, of fear, and of gratitude that we all shed openly,
The attentiveness of a grandson,
Love and support given freely to mom by family and friends,
Dad's new hearing aids,
Laughter of mother and daughter with private, inside girl-talk,
Reading a book to mom. We couldn't wait for the next chapter (Can't Wait to get to Heaven by Fannie Flagg).

In life, there are many such unexpected gifts - A hug from a teen... understanding silence.... a glance that communicates, "I understand." or "I love you."... the funny or touching things that are heard from the mouths of babes. May we all open ourselves to these treasures and remember them when we need support most.

Lessons from struggle - Let Go

2008-02-19T11:36:00.001-08:00

I am a control freak. I like being in charge. I want to do it my way. And I am most comfortable when you are doing things my way, too. I am also the first to remind someone else that their way may not be the only way. When I was staying with my mom and dad during the early days of her recovery, mostly I tried to support their lifestyle. I don't have to live there. So, what can I do to help?

Control issues seem to be some of the most persistent of my own struggles. And when things are not going my way, I can get resentful. Now what good does that do? Kids have their own way of doing things. So do our partners. Their way may be slower, more messy, creative, unique. Different. Theirs.

When we were new parents, I was a stay at home mom, so I had more practice putting on diapers. But I also was grateful that my partner was willing to take an active role in parenting when he was not at work. After one daddy-done diaper change, he brought our smiling, wiggly son back to me with a loose, floppy diaper. I had some kind of comment about it not really being right. He said something like, "Would you rather do it?" meaning would I like to be the one to always change the diapers. The answer was a resounding "NO!" So I had to learn to accept his way of doing this or else be full of resentment because he never did. That was not the last time this kind of thing came up. Periodically he would need to remind me to keep my my-way-is-best attitude to myself or be willing to do whatever it was alone

I have lots of patience for certain things. But I can also be pretty stubborn. Letting Go is hard. It takes conscious effort on my part. I need to give myself a talking-to and remind myself that it will be okay. Is this really such a big deal? This example about changing diapers is pretty lighthearted. There are also many times that have more serious consequences, and I still don't have much power over the outcome. I can, however, work on my attitude. I can take a breath. I can remember what I am grateful for. I can accept this and do my best. Maybe this is all we can ever do.

Lessons from struggle - Patience and Presence

2008-02-12T12:38:00.001-08:00

Oh, what a pace is life! If we get into the race, it can be hard to step away for respite. And what's the rush? We really can't hurry growth or learning. They unfold in their own time and in their own way. Knowing this doesn't make life any easier.

When my kids were little, my mom commented several times that I was patient with them. Yes, I gave them choices. I tried not to rush them along.... most of the time. I certainly wasn't in a hurry for them to grow up. I enjoyed most of the stages of their development. Especially when our two oldest sons were young, they were my primary focus. Then, I started working more hours once our youngest was a preschooler. At the same time, his brothers were adolescents, and life became a little more of a blur. Boy, did we pack a lot into our days, just with their school, my work, homework and home life. Now, when I look back, I sometimes wonder, where did the time go?

My 80 year old mother recently fell and fractured several vertebrae in her neck. You can't rush healing. She is doing remarkably well. But, she has had to learn to be patient with the process. Bones take time to heal. Children take time to grow and learn. And so do we all. I still have much to learn. One daily reminder is that we are not really in control of very much.

What do we miss when we aren't noticing? A new tooth. Another freckle. Lots of new words and phrases. New abilities showing up. Maturity. Wisdom from the mouth of babes. New willingness to help out. Greater understanding. And many joys and pleasures. So, the spiritual practice of patience helps me to be present to the moment and observe how things are unfolding. Growth is supported when we are awake and aware. What would really support my growth and learning right now? How can I support my child's development?

I'm going to go take a walk, and notice some of what is unfolding before my eyes on this beautiful day!

Lessons from struggle - Slow down!

2008-01-30T08:05:00.002-08:00

We live in a fast-paced society. Hurry up and get there. Do it... finish it, so you can quickly get to the next thing. Hurrying sometimes gets the job done, but it also can lead to stress and accidents. When we are more thoughtful and deliberate about what we are doing, things still get done. And sometimes with more accuracy, thoroughness, and even creativity.

We feel the push to move quickly, and we pull our children right along with us. "Hurry up!" becomes a battle cry when we are frustrated that they do not understand our busy schedules. Then, the stresses of the day are felt by us all. What a horrible way to start the day!

Planning ahead for the day can help us set priorities about what is really most important. We can ask ourselves some questions - What are the most important things I need to accomplish today? What am I going to do today that will be fun, or will bring joy and pleasure? What am I doing today to relax? What am I doing today to enhance mental and physical health?

Children can be our teachers. They often take their time to explore with focus and interest. And we can be good role models for them. Slow down. Live more intentionally. Notice the details. Enjoy!

Lessons from struggle - we need each other

2008-01-26T21:06:00.000-08:00

Hello all. I'm glad to be back. I had a very busy, and could even say, "Crazy!" last 10 weeks. There have been several major family challenges. Some days I wondered if I had the energy to do one more thing. I have emerged with some lessons learned that I will be sharing in my next few journal entries. I didn't always trust this wisdom in the middle of it all. But I am trying to remember these insights for the next time. And as we all know, there will be a next time.

The first lesson I want to highlight is - When we are in the midst of difficult times, we're not supposed to go through this alone. We can reach out to others. This is one of the hardest things for me to practice. I am the big sister. I was raised with the idea that I'm supposed to be the responsible one. And somehow that translated internally as "I can do this myself"... and even more so, I'm supposed to do this myself. It is not okay to ask for help. Yes, I know, this is unrealistic. We absolutely need others to live and to function from day to day. But it is very difficult for me to ask for help.

With the challenges of the last several months, the most important support I have gotten is knowing that there were people who loved and cared about me and had me and my family in their thoughts and prayers. During this emotionally intense time, I felt held by invisible arms. This created a tangible sense that I was not alone!

I also reached out and asked some people to help in very specific ways. I didn't insist on doing it all. I am grateful for those who willingly helped. One person described the value of helping. She asked, "How do you feel when you have the opportunity to help someone?" Of course, this is a good feeling. I'm glad to be able to help others. She reminded me that when I ask for help, I give other people the opportunity to have those same good feelings. People want to help. They often don't know what would be most useful, so when we ask for specific assistance, they are glad to offer what they can.

We all need help, sometimes. We are not supposed to go through this life alone, in charge of it all. One life lesson is to learn to ask for help.... and the flip side is to offer what we can when asked. We need each other.

Taking a break

2007-12-18T16:15:00.000-08:00

This is a very busy time of year for many of us. Some get caught up in the holidays, and some fight to avoid the extra traffic and congestion in the stores as we shop for our necessities. For all of us, another year is ending soon. We will reflect on what has happened this past year and look hopefully to the new possibilities ahead.

I want to thank those of you who have checked in here and read some of my musings. If you are new, welcome. With much going on at home right now, I am going to be taking a break from this journal. I hope to return here with renewed enthusiasm in the new year.

Blessings to you all. And may peace be felt in your hearts and homes.

They still need us

2007-12-05T15:06:00.000-08:00

Though teens are very actively pushing us away, they still need us. Our role with them changes. Since we want them to act more independently, we loosen our controls on them. They are making many of their own decisions and choices. They must learn to follow through with their responsibilities. They don't always want our advice, and must learn many things on their own, in their own way. They are very capable. And.... they need us to support them.

When kids get into middle school, they often don't want to be seen with their parents. So naturally, we back off. We participate less in school activities. We trust them to do their homework without us. We hope they are making wise choices with friends. And.... they still need us.

Studies have shown countless times that teens who have positive, supportive, communicative relationships with their parents are far less likely to get into trouble with unwise choices. Of course, this relationship doesn't just blossom at adolescence. We must work on it from day one and learn to adjust our expectations to their age and developing abilities.

Communication... Respect... Unconditional love and acceptance. These are the foundation for this relationship. Yes, it can be hard to sit on the sides lines and watch them falter. We want to help them avoid some of the same missteps that we took. We can be there, but their life will be their own. So, even when they are pushing us away, we can let them know we care and we will listen.

Doing the chores - Asking for help

2007-11-27T16:03:00.000-08:00

How many reminders does it take to get that chore done? As many as it takes. Think back, when you were a child or teen, did you always do the jobs that you were expected to do without reminders? Yes, a few of us were born organized, with a large dose of self-discipline. But this is rare and really goes counter to the development of most kids. They have very different things on their minds. Most of them are not automatically remembering to do that chore before they go on to the next fun activity. That chore is not on their agenda or list, it is on ours!

I have always been willing to give reminders. And because my kids grew up with the ethic of family work, they rarely complained. Sharing the load is part of being in this family. So, they usually got to the chore after a few nudges in that direction. Did they do it "perfectly?" No. But, there too, I really wanted them to learn about family cooperation, not about doing everything the "right" way. And after all, there really are several different ways to fold towels. We just want to be able to put our hands on a clean, dry one when we are wet!

What are the reasons behind our efforts to get kids to do chores? I wanted to share the load, and I wanted to raise sons that knew how to take care of the details of home life. They are grownups now. How effective was my teaching? Not very. My brother-in-law is quoted as saying "What's so big about neat!" when he was a boy of about 8. Well, my sons would probably agree, even today. They didn't seem to catch my desire to have a tidy house. It doesn't matter to them like it does to me, even though they did chores from the time they were very little. But they know what's important to me and they help when I ask.

The bottom line for me is that I like the help! So, I will keep asking. And maybe they will realize the value in doing daily chores when they can find something they need, like a clean, dry towel!

Curbing the Influence of TV

2007-11-19T14:50:00.000-08:00

I grew up with TV. Before we had our own television, I could be found in front of the neighbor's. I have spent many hours in front a screen. I still have some favorite shows that I like to watch while I knit a pair of socks or just relax.

But I also know that Americans watch way too much TV. This sedentary activity is at least one of the reasons why many Americans are getting less exercise and becoming overweight. Childhood obesity has grown to epidemic proportions because our kids are eating too much junk food and not moving their bodies enough.

Yes, there are some excellent educational shows. Children can be exposed to other cultures and other ideas. But taking weekly trips to the library can do the same thing. Also, playing at the local playground can give kids opportunities to meet children from varied backgrounds.

There are many pros and cons to television viewing. But the reality is that too much is too much! A mom in one of my classes shared her recent experiment. This year she decided there would be no TV or video games on school nights. At first her teenagers complained loudly. Now they are used to this routine and don't even ask. And there was a huge benefit. All three of her kids saw major improvements in their grades at the very first quarter. The only thing they had changed to account for this was their TV viewing.

We can curb the negative influences of TV and spend more time together. What a concept!

Starved for Attention

2007-11-18T14:02:00.001-08:00

They want it.... they need it! Yes, the need our attention.

Children respond to unmet needs in their own ways. Some become whiny and fuss about everything. Nothing seems to satisfy them. This behavior can be very demanding and takes all of our energy.... and their's too. Others become complacent. They stop asking and learn to make do with the life they have been given. And some other children learn to meet their own needs. They are resourceful and watchful. They are always on the lookout for their own solution. No one knows exactly why children can be so different in their responses to life. But they are.

Our job is to observe them, noticing what is going on. Though it can be hard to tell for sure, our job is to assess their needs and do our best to meet them. Children need love, social interaction, food and shelter, consistent routines. A question that can help in the moment might be, "What is this behavior telling me that he/she needs right now?" Because they are trying to let us know.

During this season of Thanksgiving, let's try to remember to give the attention that our children long for.... enjoy!

"Be all that you can be"

2007-11-08T10:33:00.001-08:00

Many American kids grow up and go into the military. They do this for a variety of reasons. Some want the educational support they get after they serve. Some are looking for job training for the future. Some need a way out of their communities and want to see the world. Some want to do the right thing, and fight for the ideals of democracy. For many reasons, our young men and women make this commitment.

This morning I heard a shocking statistic. More than one quarter of the homeless people on our nation's streets are military veterans. Many of the young people coming home from the conflicts in the Middle East have physical and emotional health issues that this country is unprepared to deal with. Affordable housing is nearly impossible to find. Other important services have limited capacity to really meet these great needs. So, what was once the richest nation in the world, is becoming bankrupt by the war machine. And we are not caring for our sons and daughters.

This web journal is about kids and our desire to do our best to guide our children to become all that they can be. This is even the language used by the army with its slogan "be all that you can be." What are we really doing to help kids in their efforts to grow and use their boundless potential?. Some are meant to be artists, some scientists, some farmers, or architects, or sales people. The possibilities are endless. We need all kinds of gifts and talents to support our communities.

Americans are generous, capable people. What are we doing to assist the young men and women who have given all to serve us and the ideals of freedom? The time is overdue to stand up with them and help them make their transition back into civilian life with the support of their community around them. No one should be homeless in America! And certainly our service people need the respect and care that will help them be all that they can be. These are our children!

In the heat of the moment

2007-11-01T09:01:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me for a "reality check" yesterday. She wanted feedback on how to respond to her teenage son's deceptive behavior. He didn't check in with her after school (as is their custom) before going to hang out with friends for Halloween. Her son knew his mom had concerns about this particular friend and the lack of supervision at his home. She wanted to drive right over there and get him, knowing that he would likely resist and then they would be in the middle of a conflict. One of his other friends had called their house, so she had asked him to have her son call home. I suggested she wait and give her son a chance to call. She set a timer for herself, and he did call. The evening resolved way more peacefully than it might have.

After this call, I started thinking about what I would have done in a similar situation. Out of my fear and concern, I, too, would have wanted to check on my son and make sure he was safe. I might have driven right over there and given him a mini-lecture on keeping in touch with me. Then, depending upon his response, I would have gone back home, with or without him.

When we are in the middle of something with one of our kids, our feelings often take over. Our fears and frustrations can get the best of us and we sometimes over-react. We usually already know a "better way" to deal with our kid's defiance or misbehavior. We don't always remember in the heat of the moment.

So, last night, I was reminded how important it is to stop, breathe, and take time to consider our responses. There are definitely a few from the past that I would like to take back. I can't. But, I can try to remember today to think before I respond. This always helps!

Into the beyond

2007-10-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

"On Children" from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of
Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you
yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love,
but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies
but not their souls.
For their souls dwell
in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.

This is one of my favorite writings about children. They are with us only a very short time. They are not ours. They belong to the future. It can be so hard to let go of our expectations for them. When they are little, we have no idea what they will really need to be able to be successful in their world, because we don't know what that world will look like. We do the best we can to provide love and guidance. We offer them opportunities to learn. And then we step back as they step forward into the future, making their own choices. Today, we hope. We hope we have given them what they will need to meet the demands they will face.

What kind of world are we leaving for them? What are we doing to prepare children to meet the future?

Be prepared

2007-10-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

I was born and raised in San Diego, CA, and still have most of my family there. For the last several days, there have been major fires. My sister and her son were evacuated from their home and are staying with my parents. Only a few years ago, they had devastating fires in San Diego County. My cousin lost her house of 25+year in that fire. They rebuilt and moved in a little over a year ago and now are packed in case they are evacuated again.

One of the things I have been very impressed with is the amazing outpouring of kindness and support to the citizens who have been displaced. Americans are often very generous. Thanks to all who help in times of emergency and need.

This has also gotten me thinking about the importance of preparation for these kinds of events. We never know when an unexpected event might require us to get up and go, with no warning. How many of us are prepared for this? What would you take with you if you had to leave immediately? Some people have a box of important papers that they can grab and take along, with birth certificates, passports, insurance paperwork, some of our family photos. Could you put your hands on these things quickly if you needed too?

Of course, people are most important. Do you have emergency plans? Do you have a meeting place or a contact person if you should become separated? One of the evacuees in San Diego County who just lost his house said, "It's just a house. We can rebuild. I'm just glad we are together and we are safe." In times like these, even when I am not experiencing it first hand, it is good to remember what's important.

I am grateful for family and friends.

Sabbath Rest

2007-10-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

Whether you hold religious beliefs, or not, the concept of "sabbath" is a good one. We all need times when we do less and rest.

Kids also need this today. Too often we have them scheduled to the max, just like ourselves. We all need some down time to play and relax. Some kids say they are "bored" because they don't have any experience with finding their fun or devising creative play. It helps when we are good role models... when we show them how to have fun.

There are lots of "toys" to keep a kid busy. But they also often want more.... the newest game, or the next model. We don't have to buy into this.

What can be done today to relax, enjoy and just be?

Getting help for depression

2007-10-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes kids become depressed. Not just sad for today, or frustrated about an experience. But a melancholy that permeates everything they do or say. They become isolated from family and friends as they close themselves off from people. They sometimes become too focused on the negative, noticing only what is going wrong in their lives, and around them. Their eating and sleeping may be affected, too much or too little.

Finding the right help for your child can be challenging. Some communities have an abundance of mental health services. In others these resources are pretty sparse. The therapy that will work best for each child depends upon their age, temperament, and their particular issue. Very young children often benefit from play therapy. As children get older, talk therapy can help. In addition to the provider's counseling skills, children also need to feel comfortable with their therapist, so they can trust them enough to work on their issues.

One of my regrets from my children's childhoods is that I didn't work harder to find the right match. I wasn't as persistent as I could be. Granted, my child was resistant to getting help, but it was my job to make that happen. He went to counseling. He got some relief, but looking back, I know I could have done more. I am not saying this out of guilt, just from having learned from my experience. Therapy for children can be costly. Some places offer a sliding scale. And of course, if we are feeling overwhelmed and depressed, we need support, too.

With the wisdom of experience, I look back and realize that when children are young and struggling, we are investing in a healthy adulthood.

What are we leaving them?

2007-09-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

I often wonder: What kind of a world are we leaving our children? My son and I were talking about some of the differences when I was growing up compared to their childhoods. There is accepted recognition that people could more easily manage their financial lives in the 60's and 70's. Housing and food took less of the monthly paycheck. There was also less "Stuff." He said, "Yeah, if we lived simplier today like people did then, we would manage better, too." Today, there are so many more things that people need: cell phones, high definition TVs, Ipods, and Palm Pilots, video games and the equipment to play them, appliances for every possible need, designer clothes and the accessories to compliment the outfit, the latest model of car or van to commute long distances to work and drive kids to all those lessons and sports events we have scheduled, and big, spacious houses. Many things that were rare luxuries of the past are considered necessities today.

I know we must all decide for ourselves what is really most important for our family, for the quality of our lives. I just worry, though. How long can we put pressure on our resources to make all this "stuff" available for us? There are people in other countries who are desperate to have something of this "American dream" for themselves. Where is this all taking us?

In the long run, what do I want to leave my children? I hope they feel loved. I hope they know how to entertain themselves with a good book. I hope they know how to take care of themselves without depending upon having all this "stuff." And, I hope that we can all listen to the wisdom inside that knows we can't keep taking from the earth indefinitely. I hope more of us will begin to think before we buy. And I hope we will demand that our leaders make decisions that will help us heal the earth and manage our limited resources effectively. Is it too late? I hope not.

Expecting the best

2007-09-24T08:21:00.000-07:00

Some children seem to be born with confidence. No matter what happens, they have a smile on their face. If something proves difficult, they are willing to try again and again. Others are more easily discouraged. No matter what a child’s natural temperament tendencies, labels are not helpful. Positive affirmations help children believe in themselves and their own potential.

“I know you can do it.”
“I’m sure if you think about it, you’ll find a better idea.”
“Your project is very creative.”
“I know that is hard, but I can tell you’re determined.”
“You and your little sister seem to be having fun together.”

Children’s behavior is often predictable. If we expect the worse, we often see it. But, if we expect the best, children can reach new heights. They will try hard to meet those beliefs that we have in them. Children really want to do their best.

Mindful mothering and fathering

2007-09-22T22:48:00.000-07:00

I just found a wonderful new (2007) book by Denise Roy, MOMfulness - Mothering with Mindfulness, Compassion, and Grace. She had me hooked in the introduction:

"...motherhood leaves stretch marks on us - in so many ways! I have been stretched physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. .. Motherhood continues to stretch me to this day, and I see no end in sight. It teaches lessons that many spiritual disciplines teach: the transforming effect of true presence, the importance of close attention, the need for deep compassion, the celebration of embodiment, the recognition of the sacred in all things, and the power of community... When we mother with mindfulness and compassion and a willingness to let this vocation awaken our hearts and transform our lives, we walk a spiritual path."

When my kids were little, I often felt like I was out there alone blazing a new path, without instructions. For those of us who care for children, maybe this experience is always laced with mystery, confusion, joys, and surprises. But the support of family, friends, and helpful books really does make a difference.

So, here I am today. My sons are all adults. I'm still growing so I assume they are, too. And I continue to stretch as I am reminded every day to practice acceptance and mindful attention. I still get asked difficult questions by my grown sons. I know the answers are complicated, and often not mine to give. They still wonder why life seems so unfair. Why do good, hard-working people sometimes have to struggle so much? What is the meaning of life? What is our purpose? What am I supposed to do when I grow up? I ask these same things for myself. And I find my own way to the answers that work for me.

Thankfully my spiritual core often guided me when my kids were little. And I feel blessed today to have an even stronger connection to my Higher Power. We all need community. With the help of our connections, we find our way.

From Known to Unknown

2007-08-28T22:13:00.000-07:00

Think about it. We struggle when we go from the known, what is comfortable, to the unknown. We often resist change. We seek the reassurance we feel in our comfort zones and sometimes go kicking and screaming into new experiences.

I got to thinking about this today because I am moving into some unfamiliar territory in some areas of my life. This can be scary and unsettling, even though I have had many previous opportunities to gain skills for coping and growing through these experiences.

So why do we give kids such a hard time for their understandable defiance when we ask them to do something new. New is a strange food. New is an unfamiliar social experience. New is a person they don't know. New is a place they have never been before. New is a classroom full of kids. We have things we resist, too.

Some children are born adventurers. In fact, we made need to hold on, just a little, and supervise closely so they don't get hurt. Others need our encouragement to try new things. Pushing them doesn't help. Support and reassurance does. Eventually new experiences become part of the everyday and may even become something that can be counted on. They become known to us.

We take this passage from the known to the unknown many times in our lives. Let us remember the challenges and resistances that the venture into the unknown can bring. With this awareness, we can encourage children to move forward into new possibilities with our support and understanding.

Daily Lessons

2007-08-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

Learning is forever. Or it can be if we are open and willing.

Hmmm. Kids are not always receptive to what we have to say, and what we want them to learn. And neither are we. It can help to wait and consider several things before we jump in:

** Do I need to say something about this right now?
** If so, what do I need to say right now?
** How can I say this in a way that will make it most likely to be heard?
** How can I adjust my expectations to accept the response(or non-response) to my input?

Seems like I need to live through the same lessons over and over before they sink in, if they are going to at all. The lesson that has been rumbling around for me often lately is about my powerlessness. I would often like to believe that I know best. If they would only do "it" my way, everything would be alright. Well, of course, this isn't true. We don't have all the answers. And there is a very good chance that our answer is not exactly what that other person needs. Yes, when children are babies and little ones, we have to make alot of decisions for them. And remember, sometimes we chose wrong. And then once they move into toddlerhood, they want to make at least some of their own choices.

Even with my grown children, my own parents, my siblings and their kids, my partner, I have ideas about what would be best. And everyday, I need to remember to accept the things I cannot change. And work on my own issues, which is the only place where I really have any influence. I have to remember this, and possibly learn this anew, every day.

I just heard a thought tonight that will be helpful for me in the moment, when I am considering giving my input. Or if I am bringing expectations to an interaction:

Let me set aside everything I think I know about ____
so that I may be open to this new experience,
or new idea, or someone else's perspective.

Today's lesson for me is about being open to learning. What is your's?

Hopeful thoughts

2007-08-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

Oh, my, where does the time go? I just returned from a short stay in Tuolumne Meadows at Yosemite. What a great weekend I had - 3 nights and 2 full days in the Sierra high country, plus traveling each way. I went alone, which was an adventure in itself. And I met many wonderful people there. At least two hopeful thoughts emerged from this experience.

First, it was very encouraging to see so many families: young families with small children, multi-generational groups, and several father-son pairs who were enjoying long back-packing trips together. One cynical man said he would not be able to stand being with his family for anywhere near that long. But the overwhelming impression I got from most people was about the strength of these family relationships. The future looks a little brighter if families stick together and find ways to play and appreciate each other.

My other hopeful thought was about the resiliency of nature and also our own. I can get very frustrated about what seems to be lack of insight and concern when it comes to this planet. We are using up resources way faster than they can be replenished. But out there in the wilderness, I could see evidence of nature's cycle of growth, depletion, and renewal. I was reminded that this planet is fully capable of supporting life. Our own stay here is very short. The earth has been here for a long, long time. It will go on far beyond today.

This doesn't mean we have permission to throw our hands up and just say "oh, well, what can I do?" We can do our small part, and we can teach our children to do the same. In fact, sometimes the children teach us. At least part of our own resilience is recognized in our capacity for growth. We are never to old to learn something new. I have returned from my time away with renewed enthusiasm and openness to this world of possibilities.